Sir Shouting Pants

I have been wading deep in the depths of homeschooling despair, and therefore, have had a hard time posting as of late.  I have only a bit of time, since the kids are outside on "recess", so let's go with a list today.

1)  I took Sweet Pea and Little Dude in for eye exams last week.  Sweet Pea still needs glasses (she has the same eye problems as Handsome Dude).

Little Dude does NOT need glasses.  The Lord has looked down upon me with favor.

2)  Little Dude is something else these days.  When the doctor came in with her two assistants, he SHOUTED, as per his usual custom:

"Hey, YOU.  Hey, LADY.  Why you need those TEACHERS with you?"

And when they would try to cover one eye and ask him to read pictures, he would smack their hands away and give them the stink eye and tell them to "STOP COVERING MY EYE, TEACHER!"

Because he is lovely like that.  Very well-behaved young man.

3)  When poor Sweet Pea was trying to do her exam, he would shout the answers to her.

"Hey, it's C!"

"No! Is not a D, sister, it's a P!"

I had to restrain him with my hand over his mouth for most of the visit.  Didn't look dysfunctional at all.

4)  A dear friend who must not really read my blog, offered to watch Handsome Dude and Daisy Mae while I took Sweet Pea and Sir Shouting Pants to the eye doctor.  Then, the aforementioned friend made us a delish lunch and let us all stay for awhile and visit.

She's one of those crafty peoples who I am envious of.  Her house was like being in Pinterest.  I just kept looking around, pinning ideas so that I might steal them.

But I won't steal them.  Because I lack creativity, sewing skills, basic hand/eye coordination, and, loveliness, in general.

When we left, Daisy Mae asked me:
"Mom!  Was she the Pioneer Woman?"

5)  She is my Pioneer Woman.

6)  I am switching to black coffee.  FYI.

7)  Handsome Dude is constantly saying he wishes we lived at our old house in town.  The other day, I asked him if he was starting to like our new country house.

HD:  Well.  Mom?  You know that freeway?  That road?

He is referring to the highway we have to take to get back into town.  We have to drive on it for about 30 miles or so.

HD:  Well, I not like that road.  It takes too long to get somewhere.

I thought that was cute.  So I shared it with you.  You are so very welcome.

8)  I strongly believe that cutting out my favorite chocolate raspberry creamer, of which I am shamelessly addicted to, will cause me to lose 10 pounds instantly.

What say you?

9)  Handsome Dude told me my dinner was "too sausage" last night.

Whenever Handsome Dude doesn't like something, he weeps and wails for all the injustice in the world and cries:

"It makes me sausage, you know?"

What a punk. And I made him eat it ALL, just for spite.

10)  Even if it was kinda of sausage.  You know?

11)  Little Dude has called me "Dad" several times today.

12)  I feel pretty today.  Very feminine.

13)  I have gone 7 whole hours without creamer and my pants are not any looser.

14)  Fun Idea:  We had a game night last night and I let the kids make their own milkshakes using up some Halloween candy.

Because nothing makes candy healthier like smooshing it into ice cream.

Bad Idea:  Trying to play Pictionary with the dudes.

Even Worse Idea:  Handsome Dude chose Smarties and Jolly Ranchers for his candy milkshake.

15)  That makes me sausage, you know?

16)  I took all four children to the MALL yesterday, because I like to inflict misery upon myself.  A lovely, older lady and her husband came up to me:

Lovely Lady:  What lovely children!

Me:  Thank you!

Lovely Lady:  Oh, wow!  The littlest one . . . he doesn't look like the others, does he?

Me:  No.  No, he doesn't.

Lovely Lady's Husband:  Looks like you got three track stars and a linebacker there,  Mom!

17)  It's true.  Little Dude is kinda buff.  For a kid who weighs 35 pounds.

18)  I have no idea how much he actually weighs.  35 pounds sounds good.

19)  Yes.  Little Dude is David's child.  Stop whispering shameless rumors about me.

20)  This list is a bit long.  My apologies.

21)  Speaking of Little Dude's paternity, here is a funny little story about David's sense of humor regarding the whole sitch.  I have shared it before.  But it is necessary for you in the upcoming item #22 of this very list you are now reading.

I work in children’s ministry at our church.  There is this guy who works in children’s too, and I have not one clue what his name is.

For the purposes of this post, we will call him Gerald. Simply for the fact that Gerald is a fanstastic name.

Gerald is always hollering (not holla/nor hola) to me from across the lobby.

“There she is!”

“Hey, you!”

“Here comes trouble!”

Am I trouble?

Anyways, I find Gerald’s actions to be odd.  But I smile and nod and get the heck away.

Because there’s one thing I know about Gerald:

I don’t know who Gerald is.

Anyways, I never told the Lumberjack about Gerald, nor had Lumberjack ever witnessed Gerald hollering at me.

One night as we were in the parking lot, Gerald walked by The Lumberjack and I.

Gerald:  Hey!  There she is! WooHoo!

And then he did that weird like thumbs up shaking thing that cool people, other than myself, do at times to express great excitement.

And Gerald continued to head into the building where he would be serving in children’s ministry, bless his heart.

The Lumberjack sighed and looked at me.

“That’s Little Dude’s dad . . .isn’t it?”

ha!

22)  When we were walking into church last Friday night, Little Dude was ahead of me with David.  When I got into the building, I noticed Little Dude was not with David.  I asked David where he was, and David, being the more responsible parent, did not know.

I panicked a bit and searched the bathrooms and alerted a few friends to help me find him.

My friend,Shelly, came down the hall, holding Little Dude, and laughing hysterically.

Shelly:  You'll never guess who found him!

Me:  Who?

Shelly: Gerald!

Alright!  Recess is over.  Children are in my midst. Coffee is in my veins.

Homeschooling.

Let's do this.