To become fully oriented in the ways of the applesauce tradition, the reader might choose to click on either of the following applesauce links.
The 2009 Applesauce Event
The 2010 Applesauce Event
David and I (but really mostly David, because applesauce does not tootle my horn as much as it tootles David's) ran out of applesauce from last year many months ago. All the other Maliblahblah's have enough applesauce to get them through a cold, dark winter. Therefore and henceforth, David and I were on our own for this joyous event.
And I use the term "joyous" quite loosely. Quite.
So, without further ado, I would like to present to you:
How to Make Applesauce like the Maliblahblahs.
1) First you need one of the original members of the Maliblahblah family.
Preferably David, Lisa, or Jackie. But any charter member of the Maliblahblah family would do in a pinch. I am not a charter member. Don't ask me. I chat too much and don't have a good enough work ethic.
2) The astute reader might ascertain that getting a charter member of the Maliblahblah family might be difficult. Tis true. Just find someone who can work for hours on end, be extremely frugal, is physically agile and willing to climb trees, is cheap/brave enough to ask any Tom, Dick, or Harry if you can have their apples, and have a motto in life similar to: "Go Big or Go Home."
3) Find apples. Millions of apples is ideal. But here is the catch: you can not pay one penny for any of them. They must be free! Otherwise you totally blow your frugal-ness.
4) Pop Quiz Hot Shots:
Did David, Taylor, and the dudes stop at a trailer park on the side of the road and ask the manager if they could pick all their apples? And did the manager, who donned overalls and a general "country bumpkin" look, laugh in their faces and say:
"Guys, you can have all the apples. They are full of worms and tiny. Have at it."
And did we heartily pick them in the spirit of the applesauce tradition?
Yes. Yes, we did.
5) Buy a couple hundred quart-sized canning jars, lids, rims, sugar, and cinnamon. This will cost you a small fortune. Be thankful you got free apples at a trailer park.
6) Coerce innocent friends into helping you with Applesauce Day. You need more manpower.
Our lucky friends were David's work buddy, Brad, his wife, Katie, and Brad's brother Nate.
And I use the term "lucky" quite loosely. Quite.
7) Don't get your panties in a bunch, readers. We didn't make them work for nothing. We paid them with applesauce. Which is worth more than fine rubies.
8) Slice and core no less than one million apples.
Show your mama what you've done. Go ahead. Be proud.
9) Cook the apples until mushy.
10) Grind the apples. This will separate all the peel, seeds, and hopefully worm carcasses (I kid! I jest!) from the desirable apple parts.
Note: You must move at a breakneck speed. Sweat will be on your brow, fatigue in your muscles. Do not stop until the applesauce has been created.
11) Pour all the applesauce into a huge tub.
Fill up with applesauce and dump in unheard of amounts of cinnamon and sugar.
Unheard of.
12) Pour super healthy applesauce into jars.
Wipe the rims clean to prepare for canning.
13) Are you tired? Are you hungry?
Press on! There is no resting on Applesauce Day!
14) Put lids on jars.
Look! It's me! Bearing the Maliblahblah name proudly!
15) Take them to the back porch and can-can away!
David set up our porable 3 burner camping stove on the back deck.
Brilliant!
I canned 80 of the jars that very night we made the applesauce!
16) Yes. I am awesome. Feel free to marvel at my abilities. I'll wait.
17) We did have a minor hiccup.
A moth died in a sea of applesauce and was forever preserved there in the canner.
Shameful.
Oh, well. We'll just give that one to Jason for Christmas.
Remember Jason?
Jason is the Lumberjack's youngest younger brother. Keep up!
So. We made somewhere between 119-124 quarts of applesauce. Don't be jealous.
Oh! And when we were all done, I noticed that a hot jar damaged my table and there was a white-ish spot in the wood finish.
Bummer.
My inlaws are furniture repair peoples (Yes. They strip regularly.) (Do you get it?) and I remembered Lisa once told me that if you take a hair dryer to the heat damage right away, you can dry out the moisture trapped in the wood.
And I did, and it worked! So, there's your helpful hint for the day. You're welcome.
In other news, we have a BEAR on our lands.
But I don't want to talk about that.
Before I go, I must share with you my dressing room experience with the dudes yesterday whilst we were at The Goodwill.
I was trying on pants and these were the things my Little Dude was SHOUTING.
"Mom! Do you have a baby?"
"Mom! Those pants are too small!"
"Mom! That not look good!"
"Ha, Mom! I see your *unit*!"
Lest any of you are confused, he SHOUTED the actual name for the male private part.
Because he is delightful like that.
Happy Tuesday!
We make applesauce too--from little wormy apples, no less--but we are fortunate to be able to pick them all from my parents' trees so no apple scavenging. My mom canned it when we were little but now we just pour it into ziplocs and freeze. Don't miss the canning step AT ALL. But the pickles from the annual cucumber avalanche--those get canned. The canning process is highly overrated, no?
ReplyDeleteWith my family, it's corn. We put up hundreds of ears every year. But my grandma still does applesauce and homemade ketchup from time to time too.
ReplyDeleteLittle Dude makes me laugh! I had a similar experience with my "niece" when she was about four. It was like shopping with a fashion critic!
Hilarious, interesting, you're such the writer. You're part of my morning routine now along with my coffee. And if I ever feel the need to can applesauce, I'll know where to go. Voting for you!
ReplyDeletedo i see bear steaks in your future? jerky perhaps? or maybe you can just follow him and steal his honey pot =o)
ReplyDelete“Ha, Mom! I see your *unit*!” Ok...so does Little Dude need glasses or are you not telling us something??? I've never had the deisire to "can" anything and your blog today helps me continue to not have any desire to "can"...Thank You...
ReplyDeleteI really, sincerely am very jealous of all of your applesauce. Good work!
ReplyDeleteKids + dressing rooms = nightmares
ReplyDeleteI like applesauce, but no one in my family does. To be clear, I don't like it as much as your people seem to. The Maliblahblah family reminds me of my family on my mom's side. That's how they all are.
ReplyDeleteOh dear, about the dressing room. Oh dear.
That's a lot of sauce! :). We have a bear too. :(
ReplyDeleteIt seems the adventures never end out there in Ruralville! Did I tell you I had mouse droppings in my car? I immediately shouted that we do not live in Ruralville and cursed you for sending mice my way. Okay, that last part is not true, but I did make a tiny scream of terror!
ReplyDeleteI think you are writing about our family!!
ReplyDeleteThe in-laws are all for begging for free apples (or free anything)...
Making applesauce is a must!...
Tiny, worm-filled apples are no problem...
Canning on a campstove...that's how we do our peaches!!...
And my husband makes furniture for a living.
Need anymore similarities?? I'm sure there are more...I'd have to go back and read your post to find them!!
Have a wonderful day!
I see David smiled as much back then as he does now. Very inscrutable, your David.
ReplyDeleteYour Unit!!! I might have snorted tea through my nose.
ReplyDeleteAs for the bear, let's talk about it. I know you said you won't but you have to. It isn't fair. Are you allowed to shoot said bear from the porch? If so, will the Lumberjack sit on the porch with his gun and jammy pants again? Will you take pictures of the dead bear with the Lumberjack because you are all good at being a hunter's wife and all that? When and if the bear becomes dead, will you attempt to eat said bear? Will the bear become a rug, wall mount, or life sized riding toy to entertain the Dudes whilst you do the homeschoolin'?
PS In all seriousness, is it a momma bear? If so, PLEASE do something about it. We've had a few to many stories up here in AK this fall/summer about Momma bears. They scare the beegeebers out of me. If I see one, permit or not, I will be forced to "go momma bear" on her. If it is a choice between her babies and mine...sorry Momma Bear, you gotta go. You will make a tasty dinner, for sure!
P2S I double dog dare you to eat bear. Make it into tacos, and use a little bacon drippings to flavor it on up. I promise, you will think it to be cow.
Oh, my--that's a lot of applesauce. Well, you'll at least get your daily servings of fruit should you ever be cut off from the outside world. (I am impressed, though.)
ReplyDeleteYou obviously have not learned your lesson about taking your children into dressing rooms with you. Next time, bring blindfolds. Or duct tape. :)
Oh, my. I do live quite far from Ruralville, although there are plently of bears around our property. Florida bears are, I am sure, much smaller than your bear...but really, a bear is a bear and as long as it isn't stuffed, it really doesn't matter what size it is, it is still a live bear!
ReplyDeleteMotts. They also make applesauce.
That month reminds me of the mosquito, or whatever it was, in Jurassic Park!
ReplyDeleteActually, jerky is easy and delicious. Wade used to make it.
ReplyDeleteyou definitely need to look into "bear" hotdogs!! my brother in law shot a bear in northern MI a few yeaars back and had hotdogs made, OMGoodness, were they good!! loook into it, you won't be sorry!! ;)
ReplyDeleteI miss you on Wednesdays!
ReplyDeleteYour in laws and your husband are quite saucy! But seriously.....am I the only one wondering about the worms???? Where do they go? How do you get them out?
ReplyDeleteditto.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reassuring me about never taking my 2 year old son in the dressing room with me. I can't even imagine what he'd say... he says enough about himself. :) I think that jar of applesauce with a hint of moth would make an awesome White Elephant gift, but Jason unwrapping it for Christmas would be priceless. Does he read your blog?
ReplyDeleteAnd about the bear... does it eat your garbage? And leave smelly bear presents for you? Do you have a stuffed bear head on your wall? I have a feeling David may have plans for that... hee hee.
First of all,
ReplyDeleteI think your husband might be very handsome if he would just smile once in a while!
Oh, wait. He did once.
Once.
I've been reading your blog for over 2 years.
He sure does make a great straight man (in a comedy routine! Obviously, he's straight. That's not what I was refering to)
And I will not be telling my son about the fact that you have a bear on your land. He is absolutely scared to death of bears. Terrified beyond belief.
I have tried to make it not such a serious fear.
So we have come up with a way for him to defend himself from any bear.
First he must wield 2 cooking pots--one in each hand. He must don a pot on his head and put a pot on the bear's head (how i'm not sure, but it's for the imagery). Then, he will frantically hit the bear on the head with the pots in his hands. And the bear will run away because he is so scared.
Usually this talk works well.
Tonight, he wanted to have a pot in bed with him.
yep, my 3 year old is sleeping with a pot!