Jack and Mabel, part Three

This is the last of a thrilling three part series all on my first two dogs.

Feel free to leave now.

If you are still here, and you have no idea what is going you can:

1)  Click here to read Jack and Mabel part one

2)  Click here to read Jack and Mabel part two

3)  Don't click on anything and just try to figure out what I am talking about on your own.

I am cool with any of the above options.

But I will offer a quick refresher, because I love you all so much.

And the last thing I want is for you to be confused.

Quick Recap:

1)  We got Jack and Mabel, two golden retrievers, right after we were married.

2)  They were terrible creatures who destroyed everything.

3)  I loved them more than the sweet, refreshing air I would breathe.

4)  They were stupid.  They jumped out of moving vehicles and ran onto the freeway.

5)  I had kids.  The kids became more important than the dogs.

6)  They ate the remains of my parent's dead dog.  Then they got sick.  Then they were banned from my parent's house forever.

7)  They were still terrors.

8)  We gave Jack away to a family friend.

9)  About 2 years later, I was devastated that I made this choice.

10)  The Lumberjack fibbed to me and told me Jack was dead.

He was not dead.

I still don't understand why he fibbed.

I also don't understand why he adorns himself in camouflage and makes elk mating calls.

He is a complex creature.

11)  About 2 years after that, Jack was returned to us.

And that is where this story begins . . .

We got Jack back in August of 2008.

So now, we have a 5 year old, 4 year old, 1 year old, and a 2 month old.

And we have a 75 pound dog named Mabel.

And we have a 90 pound dog named Jack.

And we live in a house that is 1370 square feet.

Please take all of those factors into consideration and don't judge me when I say that I was a cranky gal.

We got Jack back when we were trying to get ready to go out-of-town to go camping.

I was cooking up a storm in the kitchen.

I went to take a pot from the stove to the kitchen sink and tripped over that dumb dog.

Fell right on my face.

Strike one, Jack.

Strike one.

So then, we go camping.

We stopped at the pet store and bought a $15 heavy-duty leash for Jack, so we could tie him up at the campsite.

Why heavy-duty?

I'm glad you asked.

Jack chewed through every leash we ever bought him.

Once, he chewed through his leash, ran down a dock, and almost knocked an infant seat off of the dock.

Yes.

The infant seat contained the infant.

So, we bought a heavy-duty leash.

We get to the campsite.

We tie Jack up.

2 minutes later, he has chewed through his leash and he is running through the campground, terrorizing the fellow campers.

Strike two, Jack.

Strike two.

Over the next two months, he just never settles in.

He knocks children down.

He escapes from our yard.

He eats all the dog food and won't let Mabel eat it.

And he generally smells bad.

Strike three, Jack.

Strike three.

Now, please understand that all of this truly was hard for me.

You see, I really loved these dogs with all of my heart.

But then I had kids.

And life got busy.

And I just don't have time to chase dogs down.

I don't have time to worry about them escaping from our yard.

And I most certainly don't enjoy falling flat on my face when I am trying to prepare my family an exquisite meal.

In all honesty, Jack needs a huge place where he can run and be free.

We were not good for him anymore.

So, a wonderful lady  named Carol came into my life.

She ran a golden retriever ranch.

She would either adopt him out to a good home.

Or, he would just live in happiness on her ranch for the rest of his life.

So, Jack went to live with Carol in October of 2008.

I am sure he is having a grand time running rampant, digging up strange carcasses to eat, and getting lots of well-deserved attention from Carol.

But he will always have a special place in my heart . . .

Jack and Mabel: Part One

When the Lumberjack and I were first married, we got our dog, Jack.

Jack was one weird dog.

Facts:

* He used to eat my old, used hairnets.

*He ate our laundry room floor

* He would get scared and pee all over himself.

The lumberjack used to be extremely frugal.

Annoyingly frugal.

So, once the Lumberjack added up how much this dog was costing us (i.e. new flooring, 50lb bags of dog food, etc), he hatched up a plan.

The plan was to buy a female golden retriever so we could breed them and sell the puppies.

Because according to the Lumberjack, Jack needed to start earning his keep.

So, we brought home our little furball, Mabel.

But, alas.

The Lumberjack's plan was thwarted.

Mabel's womb was sealed and she would never become pregnant.

So, there we were.

Two dogs.

Twice the dog food.

Twice the dog poo.

Twice the home repairs.

We had many adventures with these dogs in our early years of marriage.

They were our babies.

I loved them with all of my heart.

The Lumberjack liked Mabel.

The Lumberjack did NOT like Jack.

Jack was dumb.

One fall afternoon, the Lumberjack and I decided to take the dogs on a drive up into the mountains.

Why?

Because we did not yet have 4 kids.

 And we were bored.

And we could not afford cable.

Well, we probably could.

But, by golly, that Mr. Lumberjack was FRUGAL back then.

We put the dogs in the back of the Lumberjack's Ford F250 truck.

This is the same truck that I drove 5.3 miles in with the emergency brake on.

The Lumberjack was not pleased with me that day.

But, I digress.

We were all ready for our fun day of mountain driving with our two dogs.

As we were driving down the road, I looked out the side mirror and saw Jack jump out of the back of the pickup.

While we were driving.

Then Mabel jumped out.

"Stop!" I shrieked. "My babies!"

The lumberjack pulled over.

He yelled at the dogs.

Then got them back into the truck.

Off we went.

And, wouldn't you know it, they did it again!

Dumb dogs.

So we put them back.

And guess what.

They did it again!

The Lumberjack was angry.

He sped up to make them run harder.

Then we pulled over and retrieved our Golden Retrievers.

We had one leash.

Cause we are smart like that.

So we tied Jack down to the back of the truck.

Ha!

Take that, Jack!

And off we went again.

Now, this dog was dumb.

I mean really, really dumb.

He seriously used to eat my hairnets.

He would run around the house with them stuck in between his teeth and we would have to pry them out.

Oh, I am sorry!

Did you not know that I used to wear hairnets?

Interesting.

Anywho . . .

This dog was dumb.

So, guess what that dumb dog did . . .

Jumped out of the truck.

Whilst still attached to the truck.

Dumb dog.

He is hanging by his collar off the side of the truck, getting swung all around.

Dumb dog.

"Stop!  Stop!  He's hanging himself!"

The Lumberjack was beyond annoyed at this point.

"Good."  He said.

*Gasp!*

At that moment, my whole world came to a hault.

Could it be true that my husband did not share in my deep and never-ending love for these two dumb, yet beautiful creatures that God had given us?

Goodness.

This news is truly tragic.

Where was I?

So, Mabel is sitting pretty like a good girl.

Jack is dying.

I am sobbing.

And the Lumberjack is speeding.

Finally, my husband has mercy upon this dumb dog and pulls over.

We are at this point 30 miles from our home.

Clearly, we cannot leave this dumb dog in the back of the truck for 30 miles.

For if we do, one of the following situations will occur:

1)  The dogs will jump out, we will not notice, and they will be lost forever.

2)  The dogs will jump out and get hurt.  Then when we receive the medical bills, the frugal lumberjack will be so angry that he had to pay them that he would take the dogs back into the mountains to shoot them.  Then I will cry and wail and we would continue living out our lives in a cold and loveless marriage.

3)  The dogs will jump out on a busy road and cause a minor collision.

4)  The dogs will jump out on a busy road and cause a major collision.

Trust me.

None of these options are good.

So, one of us has to sit in the back of the truck and hold the dogs down by their collars.

For 30 miles.

Because I had previously driven this truck for 5.3 miles with the emergency brake on, I was not allowed to drive the truck any longer.

So, I was the one destined to ride in the back of the truck and prevent disaster from happening.

But, I deemed this situation unsafe.

Where was my seatbelt?

Where was my seat?

Where was my heater?

So, I made the Lumberjack take all the back country roads back to our home.

And I would rap on the back window if his driving became reckless or his speed exceeded 18 mph.

I am happy to report that no dogs died that day.

And my marriage did not end that day.

Did you like that story?

Cause I got plenty more where that came from.

Dumb dogs.

So  . . . .

Am I the only one who has had to wear a hairnet on a daily basis?