Jack and Mabel: Part One

When the Lumberjack and I were first married, we got our dog, Jack.

Jack was one weird dog.

Facts:

* He used to eat my old, used hairnets.

*He ate our laundry room floor

* He would get scared and pee all over himself.

The lumberjack used to be extremely frugal.

Annoyingly frugal.

So, once the Lumberjack added up how much this dog was costing us (i.e. new flooring, 50lb bags of dog food, etc), he hatched up a plan.

The plan was to buy a female golden retriever so we could breed them and sell the puppies.

Because according to the Lumberjack, Jack needed to start earning his keep.

So, we brought home our little furball, Mabel.

But, alas.

The Lumberjack's plan was thwarted.

Mabel's womb was sealed and she would never become pregnant.

So, there we were.

Two dogs.

Twice the dog food.

Twice the dog poo.

Twice the home repairs.

We had many adventures with these dogs in our early years of marriage.

They were our babies.

I loved them with all of my heart.

The Lumberjack liked Mabel.

The Lumberjack did NOT like Jack.

Jack was dumb.

One fall afternoon, the Lumberjack and I decided to take the dogs on a drive up into the mountains.

Why?

Because we did not yet have 4 kids.

 And we were bored.

And we could not afford cable.

Well, we probably could.

But, by golly, that Mr. Lumberjack was FRUGAL back then.

We put the dogs in the back of the Lumberjack's Ford F250 truck.

This is the same truck that I drove 5.3 miles in with the emergency brake on.

The Lumberjack was not pleased with me that day.

But, I digress.

We were all ready for our fun day of mountain driving with our two dogs.

As we were driving down the road, I looked out the side mirror and saw Jack jump out of the back of the pickup.

While we were driving.

Then Mabel jumped out.

"Stop!" I shrieked. "My babies!"

The lumberjack pulled over.

He yelled at the dogs.

Then got them back into the truck.

Off we went.

And, wouldn't you know it, they did it again!

Dumb dogs.

So we put them back.

And guess what.

They did it again!

The Lumberjack was angry.

He sped up to make them run harder.

Then we pulled over and retrieved our Golden Retrievers.

We had one leash.

Cause we are smart like that.

So we tied Jack down to the back of the truck.

Ha!

Take that, Jack!

And off we went again.

Now, this dog was dumb.

I mean really, really dumb.

He seriously used to eat my hairnets.

He would run around the house with them stuck in between his teeth and we would have to pry them out.

Oh, I am sorry!

Did you not know that I used to wear hairnets?

Interesting.

Anywho . . .

This dog was dumb.

So, guess what that dumb dog did . . .

Jumped out of the truck.

Whilst still attached to the truck.

Dumb dog.

He is hanging by his collar off the side of the truck, getting swung all around.

Dumb dog.

"Stop!  Stop!  He's hanging himself!"

The Lumberjack was beyond annoyed at this point.

"Good."  He said.

*Gasp!*

At that moment, my whole world came to a hault.

Could it be true that my husband did not share in my deep and never-ending love for these two dumb, yet beautiful creatures that God had given us?

Goodness.

This news is truly tragic.

Where was I?

So, Mabel is sitting pretty like a good girl.

Jack is dying.

I am sobbing.

And the Lumberjack is speeding.

Finally, my husband has mercy upon this dumb dog and pulls over.

We are at this point 30 miles from our home.

Clearly, we cannot leave this dumb dog in the back of the truck for 30 miles.

For if we do, one of the following situations will occur:

1)  The dogs will jump out, we will not notice, and they will be lost forever.

2)  The dogs will jump out and get hurt.  Then when we receive the medical bills, the frugal lumberjack will be so angry that he had to pay them that he would take the dogs back into the mountains to shoot them.  Then I will cry and wail and we would continue living out our lives in a cold and loveless marriage.

3)  The dogs will jump out on a busy road and cause a minor collision.

4)  The dogs will jump out on a busy road and cause a major collision.

Trust me.

None of these options are good.

So, one of us has to sit in the back of the truck and hold the dogs down by their collars.

For 30 miles.

Because I had previously driven this truck for 5.3 miles with the emergency brake on, I was not allowed to drive the truck any longer.

So, I was the one destined to ride in the back of the truck and prevent disaster from happening.

But, I deemed this situation unsafe.

Where was my seatbelt?

Where was my seat?

Where was my heater?

So, I made the Lumberjack take all the back country roads back to our home.

And I would rap on the back window if his driving became reckless or his speed exceeded 18 mph.

I am happy to report that no dogs died that day.

And my marriage did not end that day.

Did you like that story?

Cause I got plenty more where that came from.

Dumb dogs.

So  . . . .

Am I the only one who has had to wear a hairnet on a daily basis?