The Hunting Trip. Oh, help us. The Hunting Trip.

It occurred to me last night, dear readers, as we were driving home from our Wednesday Night Funtivities, that my husband, David Maliblahblah, will soon be leaving for his extended hunting trip.

Oh.

Be.

Still.

My.

Heart.

No good comes from his extended hunting trips.

Allow me to elaborate, if I may so be inclined:

First trip- Sweet Pea was 1 3/4, Daisy Mae was 6 months old.  We had strictly wood heat and I knew not how to build a fire.  So the other hunter wives had to come to my house and give me a crash course in pyrogenics.

Lest any of you are know-it-all-ish, no, I have no idea if I used "pyrogenics" correctly.  Nor do I care.

Second Trip-Apparently it was quite traumatic, for I have no memory of it.

Third Trip- Lots of sundry events occurred on this trip.

Daisy Mae broke our one and only toilet.

Handsome Dude, who was just a mere lad, got his first pair of glasses.

And I found out I was pregnant with Sir Little Dude.

Fourth Trip-Not a clue.  Don't remember.

Fifth Trip-Last year.

Last year was a doosie.

The kids were extremely upset that he left.  And then they all got sick. 

So, without further ado, I would like to share with you a post I wrote last year during his hunting trip that accurately illustrates just how swell the last hunting trip went.

I am not too worried about reposting it, seeing as how the only people who read my blog back then were:

Bimlissa.  Bimlissa's mom.  Bimlissa's sister. Bimlissa's sister's husband's cousin.

And MindyLou!

Please notice:  I did not live in a peach house.

Also-Look at how much Little Dude has changed!

*tear*

***

Originally posted in October of 2009

 

I dedicate this post to my husband who has been gone, and conveniently out of cell service, on a hunting trip.

Not only were his four children devastated by his departure, but all four them have contracted what suspiciously resembles the swine flu.

It has been a heck of a week.

And it continues . . .

100 points to whoever can name the artist/song.

200 points to whoever can cure the swine flu.

300 points to whoever can cure hunting.

I kid, of course.

How about 300 points to whoever can rig up hunting camps so that they have cell service?

Is it whoever or whomever?

400 points to whoever/whomever can answer that.

***

 

Oh, my love

 

My darlin'

 

I've hungered for your touch

a long, lonely time.

And time

Goes by

So slowly

And time

Can do

So Much

Are you

Still Mine?

I need your love

I

Need Your Love

Godspeed

Your

Love

To

 

Oooh-Ooooh-Ooooh-Ooooh

Me.

***

He leaves in 9 days.

And this year, we live out in the middle of nowhere and have no dog for to protect us.

Beware the 9th of October! 

(Get it?  Like "Beware the Ides of March"?  Eh?  Huh?  No?)

Pray for us.

The post in which I reveal I am super-lame in real life.

Welcome to another thrilling edition of "Questions.  And their answers."

Please.

Try to contain your excitement.

1) From Amanda:

Lets see…. what curriculum are you using for homeschooling? I was thinking of doing a combination of $1 store finds and abeca.

What are you doing for your next birthday? If you had to choose between spaghetti and lasagna for life which would you choose?

Such a grand smorgasbord of questions, Amanda!

Ok, curriculum:  I am using a variety of things and you can read all about them here.  I am basically using The Well-Trained Mind, which is a guide to classical education at home.

What am I doing for my next birthday?  Probably crying.  I am turning 30.

Lasagna all the way.

Hence, my pudge.

2)  From my sweet sugar pants friend, MindyLouHoo:

Would you rather….lose 15 pounds forever and never gain it back but could never wear makeup anywhere again, OR..would you rather…gain 15 pounds but have the most lovely peaches and cream skin ever?

This is a horrific question.

Horrific.

I seriously can't decide.  I would probably want to go with the losing of 15 pounds, but then if people wanted to see me, it would have to strictly be only in candelight,  which would most likely prove itself inconvenient over time.

Fun Fact about MindyLou:

MindyLou and I were acquaintances before the age of Facebook.  Then we became Facebook friends.

Facebook.  It unites people, you know?

I firmly believe that if I were to delete about half of my Facebook friendships, not one of them would notice.

We are that tight.

But that is neither here nor there.

MindyLou and I do talk on Facebook.  And she would notice.  But anyways, she started reading my blog, so then she asked if we could hang out.

So, we did.

And then she never asked again.

Oh, The Lumberjack will never let me live that one down.

"Looks like you aren't as fun in real person, huh?"

"Boy, you sure scared Mindy off!"

"Man!  What did you say to Mindy?"

Darn this blog.

MindyLou!  MindyLou!  I am sorry I am so lame in real life.

Another fun fact:  A different and completely unrelated reader asked me to hang out with her and we are doing so tomorrow.

I am preparing myself to never hear from her again.

3)  From Heather. 

Heather goes to my church.

That was a fun factoid, was it not?

My question is: Knowing what you know now, do you regret moving out to Ruralville? If you could do it over would you choose a place closer to town? The reason I ask is because my husband would love to move us out of town too and I don’t know how I feel about that. I think I’d miss not being 5 minutes from Target, or the grocery store, or civilization!

 I am not sure I am emotionally stable enough this week to properly answer this question.

But answer it I will.

I don't know yet.  I know that my husband truly needed to live on acreage and he is happier and I am happy that he is happy.  But I am still getting used to it.

I used to live 5 minutes from the lake.

Now I live 5 minutes from deer, trees, and a nudist resort.

So, at least I have options!

4)  From Ada.  Ada magically found my blog from who-knows-where and she knows my dearheart friend Bimlissa!

So, Ada is a kindred spirit in my book.

What kind of gravy are you making? Biscuits and gravy or chicken and gravy?

I am not making any kind of gravy.

I have a few "homeschooling" pounds to lose, I can't eat food items high in cholesterol, and I simply don't know how to make gravy.

5)  From Mindee.  I don't remember how Mindee and I found each other in blog-land.

But it was a match made in heaven, I tell ya.

Mindee is a very good blogging friend who always leaves thoughtful, funny comments.  And her blog is awesome, too!

 Will your many and assorted relatives come to your house for a painting “party” and relieve you of your peach oppression?

Well.   No.

They all think we live too far.

Perhaps if we handed out gas vouchers?

6)  From Martha.

A question, hmmm. Do you LIKE homeschooling? Forget about whether you think you’re any good at it, but do you like it? I’m quite jealous and often think it would be nice to spend all day home teaching and learning with my daughter… but then I remember how crazy it makes me.

I do like it. 

Here's what I don't like:

1)  Dealing with the boys and homeschooling.

2)  Laundry+ housework+dinner+groceries+bill paying and homeschooling.

3)  Having my dog die and homeschooling.

4)  Living super far, therefore rendering playdates super hard to coordinate and homeschooling.

But, the actual teaching of the children and such: Win!

Even if Daisy Mae wrote the number thirteen like this today:  E0.

7)  From Rebecca D.  Rebecca was the first person to win a COW!

Do you know what the COW is?

You should.

Question: What is your favorite brownie recipe? I used to think I had a good one, but I’m just not feeling it right now…

I have found the bestest brownie recipe ever.  My husband dislikes homemade brownies and perfers brownies from a mix.  But he did say these were his favorite homemade.

True.

He still prefers them from the box that costs 99cents and requires no effort.

But it makes me feel better if I make these.

I found this from AllRecipes.

Brownies:

Ingredients

• 1 cup butter, melted


• 3 cups white sugar


• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract


• 4 eggs


• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour


• 1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder


• 1 teaspoon salt


• 1 cup semisweet chocolate chips

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Lightly grease a 9x13 baking dish.


2. Combine the melted butter, sugar, and vanilla in a large bowl. Beat in the eggs, one at a time, mixing well after each, until thoroughly blended.


3. Sift together the flour, cocoa powder, and salt. Gradually stir the flour mixture into the chocolate mixture until blended. Stir in the chocolate morsels. Spread the batter evenly into the prepared baking dish.


4. Bake in preheated oven until an inserted toothpick comes out clean, 35 to 40 minutes. Remove, and cool pan on wire rack before cutting

Let us fool ourselves into believing they are low in fat, shall we?

8)  From Kristy.

And my question is…Do you ever wish you would have waited until you were older to start having kids? The reason I ask is because I had my first one when I was 22 and my second at 24 and I love them so so dearly. But sometimes I wish that me and my husband would have spent more time with just the two of us before the hustle and bustle of kids started. Just wondering what you thought!

Sometimes.  Because me and my husband were, and still are, clueless.

I'd like to think we would have fared better with age.

Nevertheless!

We can do math and we have discovered the kids will be All GONE whilst we are still in our 40s.

Win!

9)  From The Lady of the House.

What is the reason you homeschool…? Some say because they know they can give their kids a better education, some say they are worried about today’s craziness at public schools – so just curious, what your reason is…

Because I live too far away to take them to school.

That's it.

Are you inspired?

Ha!  I also mentioned a few more reasons in this post, if you are feeling frisky and want to click on this link.

10)  From Charming's Mama:

When Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water why did Jack fall down and break his crown? Was he a klutz or was he pushed? (queue dun, dun, dun, music) A mystery that may never be solved.


Well.

I haven't the foggiest.

But I do know that when Lumberjack got Lumberjill stuck on top of a mountain, Lumberjill was super awesome and did not complain as she trudged 10 miles down a mountain to find refuge in shady, small-town bar.

Again.  If you are feeling frisky, you can read about it here.

***

Thank you for all the questions!

I appreciated it so very, very much.

Did anyone notice that I didn't talk about the same thing I have been talking about?



I am really proud!



I didn't talk about her once!



Not once, I tell ya!



Come on.



You've gotta admit . . .



You didn't think I could do it.

Later, Dudes!

Things I Will Never Understand.

1.  How do phones work?

2.  How to make a decent gravy.

3.  Why I named this blog, "The Lumberjack's Wife."

4.  How it can be so hard to lose a dog.

 

5.  How to answer all the questions the kids ask about losing Mabel.



6.  Seriously.  How do phones work?  How is it possible to speak into a little contraption thingie and a person miles upon miles away can you hear your perfectly from their own contraption?

7.  Why, pray tell, are tummy tucks not given freely to women post-child-bearing?

8.  When will Handsome Dude learn to aim?

9.  How come my Magic Eraser has removed every blunder from my budding artists, except the new pen ink on my peach walls?

10.  Not that my kids would ever write on the walls.

11.  Why are my walls peach?  All of them?

12.  Really.



All of them are peach.

Quandaries, all of them.

***

How was that post?  Cheerful?

*sigh*

"E" for Effort, right?

Baby steps to happy posts.  Baby steps.

***
Fat Tuesday?

I think I need to cease and desist Fat Tuesday. 

Why, you ask?

Well:

A)  I am terrible at it.

B)  I completely forgot to post last Tuesday.

C)  I am not a weight loss inspiration, seeing as how all I do is lose and gain the same 3-5 pounds over and over and over and over again.

D)  Sometimes, a gal who lives in the middle of nowhere and homeschools a few hooligans, and has 18 loads of laundry to do needs to beg her husband to bring home pizza and make a pan of brownies.

E)  See "D" for the reason why I am terrible at Fat Tuesday.

***

I was thinking of doing a "Questions and Answers" post soon.

So, if you have a question for me, leave one in the comments section post haste!

Happy Monday!



 

Goodbye, Mabel.

We said goodbye to our Mabel dog today.

We took her to the vet and discovered she had kidney failure and she was put down.

Thank you for all your kind words, we are sad, but doing good.

So sad.

Has not my life seemed like a depressing country song as of late?

I am sorry I am such a bummer lately.

I'm just kind of having a hard time over here. 

One of the problems with the bunny missing yesterday was the fact that I had to drive to town for our home group/Awana night, and my husband was not going to make it home in time to leave with us.  I was so worried that I would not find the bunny before then and I didn't want to leave it out over night.  So, my husband understood my stress and made it home before it was time to leave for town.  He got the bunny back, but we think its back legs are injured in some way.

So, that was unfortunate and sad.

Yesterday, poor Handsome Dude kept getting in trouble for his naughtiness.  The thing about Handsome Dude is he is so darned naughty, yet he is so super precious. 

It's exhausting having to switch from being frustrated to being filled with joy over him every two seconds.

So, yesterday, he decided he was going to be "helpful."

No good can come out of Handsome Dude being "helpful."

Handsome Dude:  I do laundry for you, Mom.  K, Mom.  K?  K?  K?  K?  Good.

Me:  What do you mean?

Handsome Dude:  I do it, K?

Me:  Ok.

I thought he was taking his dirty pajamas to the laundry room.

I thought wrong.

He was actually going around the house and emptying every hamper of dirty clothes and dumping it on my bed.

You see, dear readers, when I do laundry, I dump the clean clothes on my bed and fold them there.

So, you see?  He found every stitch of dirty clothing and dumped it there for me.

Never mind that it was never washed.

See?

Helpful.

Don't pretend you aren't jealous of my peach walls.

Jealousy does not become you.

Oh, my Handsome Dude.  So naughty.  So precious.  But usually, naughty.

Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnddddddddd . . . . I love him.

So, here I am again.

In another "mood."

Are you surprised?
I am sure you are not.  It is what you have come to expect from me these days.

Mabel has taken a big turn for the worst.  She is skinny and limping and not doing well and I don't know what to do.

Last night, the girls tried to get her to come downstairs and sleep in their room, which is where she normally sleeps.  She couldn't make it down the stairs, so they covered her up.

Precious, are they not?

It is hard to make decisions and it is hard to be the grown up.  It is hard to hear the kids crying one minute and then asking if they can get another dog the next.  It is hard to know what to do with Mabel.  It is hard to believe she might die.  It is hard to believe she'll be gone.  It is hard to believe we have had her ten years.  It is hard to believe that much time has passed.  It is hard to know how to help her.  It is hard to see if she is hurting.  It is hard to see the truth.

It is just hard.

So.

Today I am crying.  I am going to try to teach my children some sort of academics today.

I will go crazy if I don't.

I am going to have school in our house today and we are going to spend lots of time near the dog.

I am going to try to find a good recipe for potato soup and wait for my husband to come home so we can make some decisions.

Who can think of food at a time like this?

Apparently, I can!

Good-off-topic-news:  I was wrong!  I only gained about 1 1/2 pounds, not 4!

Therefore, I can have ice cream tonight.

Right?

Oh.  Goodness.

Anyways, I am sorry all my posts are downers and I will try to be chipper soon.

And thank you all for the kind comments yesterday about my fit.  It cheered me up to read all your kind, funny words and I want to thank you for taking the time to show me you cared.  It was greatly appreciated.

Have a good day, dudes.

The Post In Which I Completely Throw A Fit.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Mayday!  Mayday!

I am drowning, I repeat, I am drowning over here.

Iamkindofhavingasuperbadday.

Allow me to share with you, if I may.

The day started off promising.  I got up early, was ready to go by about 830 for school.  I even curled my hair differently and both girls noticed, as well as complimented me on my fantastic locks.  Dishes were done.  Beds were made.  The house was even pretend clean.

You may ask, "Taylor!  What is pretend clean?"

Well, dear readers.   Pretend clean is when you just clean the areas that people might see if they were to stop by for the dreaded "pop-in."  You know . . . hide all your clutter inside closets and cupboards and call it good? 

Pretend Clean.

Lest any of you are confused, I never get the dreaded "pop-in" anymore, for I live too far away from other humans.

Nevertheless!  I am ready just in case.

But by 9am, the whole universe collapsed.

As I was changing, yet another, inferior diaper of Little Dude's, Daisy Mae started screaming,
"My bunny!  My bunny!  Somebody let my bunny out!"

Well.

Turns out that while I was in the shower, Handsome Dude had gone outside and opened all car doors, as well as the cage to Daisy Mae's bunny.

Helpful.

Let us first freak out that the  3-year-old son leaves the house without his mother knowing.

AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Let us now freak out that the 3-year-old opens car doors by himself.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

And, not to be forgotten, let us freak out that the son let out a bunny.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Finally, let us freak out that my hair completely fell flat and looks terrible.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH+Boo!

So, instead of learning about all sorts of excellent things, we have been trying to capture a bunny.

And if I have learned one thing about bunnies since moving out to this foreign land, it is this:

BUNNIES ARE QUICK!

How on earth does a clueless gal like me capture one?

Not very well, apparently, seeing as how the bunny is still on the loose amidst our rolling hills.

I gotta be honest.  That bunny is starting to tick me off.

It is now 1:30pm.

Here is what I have accomplished:

1) I cried.

2)  I texted my husband and told him I hate everything.

3)  I thought about exercising sometime in the next 1-20 days.

4)  Decided chasing a stupid bunny around was good enough.

5)  I taught math.

6)  I texted my husband and told him I was sorry I was so mean.

7)  I cried.

8)  I got frustrated with Daisy Mae whilst she wrote that the number that comes after 11, is most assuredly, 20.  And when I told her that was wrong, she wrote 10.

9)  I watched the other bunny, who is still in captivity, pee on top of the fugitve bunny while fugitive bunny was hiding under captive bunny's hutch.

10)  I bemoaned the fact that I have gained 4 pounds since this starting this homeschooling adventure.

11)  I threw lettuce all over the yard in hopes of trapping captive bunny. Fail.

12)  Maybe I should have eaten the aforementioned lettuce for lunch instead of the leftover mashed potatoes.

13)  I stole captive bunny's salt lick and set up a trap for fugitve bunny.  Fail.

14)  I tried to capture fugitve bunny with a hamper.  Fail.

15)  Mabel, our sickly dog, has developed a limp.

It is 1:30.

I am still 4 pounds heavier than I was a month ago, I have bad hair, I have splotchy-crying eyes, there is still a bunny on the loose, my husband can't come help me, I live in the middle of nowhere, and I still need to teach my children one full school day.

Minus math.

Except for Daisy Mae.

She needs more math.

Thank you for allowing me to throw a fit.

Goodbye.

PS-I seriously need to catch this bunny.  Any tips?  Tricks?  Ideas?  People willing to drive here and fix all my problems?

Please Advise.

(That was for you, Bimlissa)

A Cognitive Breakthrough

If you have read this blog for awhile, you might have picked up on the fact that sometimes, just sometimes, it is hard to carry on a conversation with Handsome Dude, our 3 year old.

But only sometimes.

Other things you may have picked up on:  I can't take good pictures, I am fond of centering, I tend to drone on and on pointlessly, and I have no idea what I am doing.

But that is neither here nor there.

I wanted to share with you all a cognitive breakthrough we had with Handsome Dude this very weekend.

*Brace yourselves*

You might recall that we have some trouble with Handsome Dude really understanding who God is.

Sure.

He is prone to pentecostal moments every now and again.

But what did his theology really boil down to?

Here is a snippet of actual conversation between me and The Dude from earlier this summer:

Handsome dude:  Jesus and God!

Well.

That was random.

Me:  Does Jesus love you?

HD:  No.  Jesus love Cokey.

Me:  Jesus loves you too.

HD:  No.  He scary.  And mean.  Jesus naughty.

I fear I have fallen behind in teaching Handsome Dude about . . . everything.

He leads a confused life.

Me:  No.  Jesus is  not naughty.

HD:  YESSSSS!  Jesus wee naughty!

Me:  No.  He is not.

HD throws himself on the floor in a fit of fury and despair.

HD:  No!  He naughty!

***

*sigh*

Well, I have an announcement folks.

Handsome Dude finally got it right.

Allow me to illustrate this further by relaying, yet another, scintillating conversation.

Please.

Try to contain your excitement.

Handsome Dude:  Did God make trucks?

Hold onto your pants, folks!  Did my son just make a complete, coherent sentence? 
I mean, that sentence was perfect!

He even remembered the question mark at the end!  (Ha!  That was a joke.  Keep up, people!)

Lumberjack:  No, people made trucks.  Who made people?

Handsome Dude:  God!

Sweet Pea:  Does God love you?

Handsome Dude:  Yes!  And God loves mommy and God loves Cokey . . .

Lest any of you are confused, Cokey is his name for his brother

Sweet Pea:  And is God naughty?

Handsome:  No!  No he not.  He not naughty.  He not rude.  He wee nice!

***

There you have it, folks.

I would like to announce that on this, the 20th of September, in the year Two Thousand and Ten of our Lord, we have discovered that the boy can be taught.

Victory!

***

My blog is being featured over at Beth Zimmerman's blog today!

Look at me with my big girl blogging pants on!

Thank you, Beth!

***

Alright.  I had better get off the computer and get my game face on.

Taylor's School of Excellence commences at 9am.

Later, Dudes and Happy Monday!

Items we shall now discuss.

Attention:  This post is a hodge-podge of nothingness.

But I am blogging nonetheless because my husband will be home late.

Again.

And it's been a bad week.  And I need human interaction, people!

Clearly, I find it to be my duty to spread the grumpiness.

1.  I had a bad day yesterday.

2.  It was really, really, really, really bad.

3.  The answers to yesterday's Pop Quiz were D, and all the rest true, except the last one was, of course, false.

4.  This event was the only time I smiled all day . . .

disturbing as it may be.

5.  But then I saw what their bedrooms looked like as a result of this dress-up party.  And I was no longer amused.

6.  How did I get to be so old?

7.  I watched "Gone with the Wind."  I have seen it several times, but wanted to see it again after reading the book.  The book is much better.

8.  I ate a Dairy Queen Blizzard last night.  And I thoroughly enjoyed every calorie.

9.  It was Oreo.

10.  I want a minivan.

11.  How on earth did I get to be so old?

12.  I think Mabel is doing better. Maybe.  I don't know.  She is weird. 

13.  I think I am going to have to expel the dudes from The School of Excellence.

14.  I have had too many life changes these past few months.  I repeat.  Too many life changes.

15.  I have considered loading up the hoodlums and going to pick up "Scarlet" from the library and getting unhealthy fast food for dinner.  But.  That will cost me at least $25 in gas and $20 in food.  So that seems wasteful.

16.  I am cooking something fabulous for dinner and writing a superb blog post instead.

17.  Ok.  #16 was a lie.  I will cook something edible for dinner and write a depressing blog post instead.

18.  The three older kids started Awanas last night.  Handsome Dude hushes us constantly, for he is doing his "Bible Study."

19.  I told my mother, who is conveniently, his Awana's leader, that my one hope for the year is that she can teach him that Jesus is not naughty, as my bright son currently repeats daily.

20.  Want to know who else is his Awana's teacher?

My pa.

21.  We made a model of the Nile River today

Look at me and my bad self!

22.  Little Dude walked around holding Handsome Dude's "Toy Story" undies today.

Why?

No one knows.

Fun Fact:  We all call Little Dude, "Cokey."

That is not his real name.

We need to stop this.

He can't be "Cokey-that-homeschooled-boy-that-lives-in-Ruralville" to all his peers now, can he?

And, in conclusion, I would like to leave you with this juicy photograph of yours truly from the 7th grade.

My main purpose in posting this delightul portrait is to make all of you who called me "Pirate Barbie" eat your words.

 

Let's probe into this picture further, by revisiting the conversation my girls and I had today immediately upon viewing it:

Daisy Mae:  Mom!  Did you mean for your hair to look like that?

Me:  Yes.

Sweet Pea:  Oh.  It's kind of . . . poofy.

Me:  Sure is.

Daisy Mae:  Did Grams make you do your hair like that?

Me:  No.  I liked it that way.

Daisy Mae:  Why?

Me:  Because I thought it was pretty.

Sweet Pea:  Oh.  I don't think it is pretty.

***

The funniest part of this photo is that on the back, it is written to my youth pastor, of whom I might have had a slight crush on, and clearly was too nervous in his presence to actually hand him the photo.

Come on.

I can't be the only gal who had a crush on her youth pastor.

Right?

Right?

Hello?

Goodbye.

Pop Quiz

Please answer the following questions.

Multiple Choice

Which of the following events occurred in my household today?

A)  I went to the bathroom and locked the door.  Daisy Mae picked the lock with a penny and came in despite my pleas to go away.

B)  The boys found a (virtually empty) gas can and attempted to fill the truck with gas whilst their mother attempted to teach math.

C)  The girls dressed the boys up like pretty, pretty princesses.

D)  All of the above.

True or False

1)  According to Daisy Mae, when you sound out the word that looks like "bumpy" it sounds eerily like "pretty."

2)  According to Sweet Pea, panda bears are definitely not bears.  No ifs, ands, or buts.

3)  Little Dude pooped such a great poop that it went up his back.

4)  The highlight of my day is the fact that my husband came home early and will load the kids into the car when we go to town.

5)  I exercised today.

Please.

Consider your answers carefully.

Goodbye and Good Riddance.

Fat Tuesday, Lame edition.

Well.

It's time you knew the truth . . . the truth about my weight-loss curse.

I shall present it to you in a handy, 12-step plan.

Step 1-Lose 2-3 pounds just by watching what I eat-not by exercising.  For I loathe to exercise.

Step 2- Bask in my awesomeness

Step 3- Decide that since I am so awesome and losing weight, I no longer need to pay attention to what I eat

Step 4- Continue to loathe exercise.

Step 5- Better bake something . . . you know . . . since I am not exercising and all

Step 6-Notice the jeans that were slightly too tight are, eerily, still slightly too tight

Step 7-Continue to loathe exercise

Step 8-Start homeschooling, hereby rendering me no time to exercise

Step 9-Fail to see that I had time to bake, so I probably had time to exercise

Step 10-Don't forget to loathe exercise!

Step 11-Decide I have put the 2-3 pounds back on

Step 12-Pretend none of it matters

*sigh*

Herein lies my problem:  I don't like to exercise.

But we'll worry about that another day.

Let's focus on this weeks wins and fails, shall we?

My scale is not working at the moment in time, so I don't actually know what I weigh

Convenient Win!

I know enough to know that I am not losing weight

Reality Fail!

I seriously have no desire to make exercise a part of my day

Slothful win!  Swimsuit fail!

I drink skim milk now all the time.

Win!

I only drink coffee creamer half the time.  Well.  I think I skipped it twice.  But we'll call it half.

Imaginative Win!

I did, in fact, exercise yesterday.

Gasp!

I started a 3-mile walking DVD.  But I stopped it just before 2 miles.

Win/Fail

Ok.  I probably walked 1 1/2 miles, but "almost 2" sounds so much more ambitious.

Fail

I asked my husband if I looked like I was 29.  He said "Yes, because you wear sweaters."

Lumberjack Fail!

I am still wearing sweaters.

Women's Movement Win!  Youthful Fail.

People told me yesterday I looked like "Pirate Barbie."

Ego win!

I then had to face the truth that Barbie never had a muffin top.

Fail!

Not that I have a muffin top.

Lie!

Raise your hand if you don't know what a muffin top is.

Lest any of you are confused, Lumberjill looketh not like a Barbie.

Far

Far

Far

From it.

Alright.

So . . . here's to starting over!

Right?

Right?

Who's with me?

Picture Day, Mateys!

 On Saturday, we took the kids for their annual photo session with their cousins.  This is all my mother's doing, and I suspect it is all part of her evil plan to get my husband inside a mall at least once a year.

Fact:  Lumberjacks despise malls.

Other things Lumberjacks despise:  paying for photographs, driving minivans, diet soda, dull chainsaw blades, mushrooms, and heating with gas heat.

About 6 years ago, my mom started this tradition of getting the grandkids coordinating outfits and getting their picture taken.  And I figured that, since we were there and all, I would attempt to obtain a picture of my four.

Sounds simple enough, right?

Wrong.

As soon as we get the older three on the platform, Little Dude senses a conspiracy and begins to scream.  Not just cry.  Not just get mad.  But throw himself across the platform, snot flying, face red, screaming at the top of his lungs, anti-picture-fury.

We could not get him to calm down for a good 5 minutes.  I did not think pictures were going to be possible.  But . . . somehow we got him to simmer down . . . although I can't remember how we did it.

Oh, yes!  I recall, now!

He decided that he would be requiring the toy truck to be in the photo before he would be participating.

Ok.

What are they looking at?

I bet you one million dollars that I was trying to stop Handsome Dude from putting his hand down his pants.

Not that he would ever do that.

Please notice Little Dude on the end . . . who has miraculously turned himself into the most charming little dude ever!

Let's add my niece and nephew to the mix . . . shall we?

The boys.

The girls.

The gang.

Look at how much my boys love me . . . they are just staring at me. 

Basically, I'm awesome.

And the picture-taker-lady requested that I stand near the center so that all eyes could still be on me.

Because, remember.  I'm awesome.

Score!

And we don't have to worry about such nonsense for a whole other year.

Caution:  There will be one more baby in the picture next year.

Lest anyone gets their panties in knot, no I am not pregnant.  But my brother's wife is.

***

Ahoy!

I would like to announce that yesterday, I, yes, I, Taylor Mali-blah-blah, looked and acted like a pirate.

Ok, maybe I didn't really look like a pirate.  But "E" for Effort, right?

I loathe dressing up.  I did have a large hat, but was teased endlessly that it looked like a sombrero.

"Yee-haw, Taylor!"

"Hola, Taylor"

not holla.  there is a difference.

"Where's your horse, Taylor?"

"Umm . . . Taylor . . . pirates did not wear sombreros."

I would like to state once again, that the tag on the hat at the store said Pirate Hat.

So, basically, I wore a white shirt and some hoop earrings and called it good.

Oh, and I threw caution to the wind and added some pirate-y pigtails.

Then someone grabbed me and told me I needed an eye patch.  But my head was too big to get it around, so I tied it onto my lanyard.

Then someone else told me I needed a red sash.

So, they sashed me.

So, there you have it!
Arrrggghh!

Since I am sure you are all dying to know why I dressed like a pirate, I shall inform you post haste.

I work in the children's ministry at my church and I am a leader over one service time.

I ain't gonna lie . . . I'm kind of a big deal.

ha!

Anyways.

We have a big event every year to kickoff the new ministry year.  And this year was a pirate-y theme.

Mystery Solved.

***

Gone with the Wind came in the mail today.

Two disks.

OhBeStillMyHeart.

Sadly, The Lumberjack is working late tonight.

But I think I need to watch it nonetheless.

I told him I wished he loved me like Rhett loved Scarlett.

You know.

Minus the Belle Whatling part.

Oh, and minus the part where he hates her at the end.

Can I get a 10-4 good buddy from anyone who knows the book of which I speak?

***

So.  I will post for Fat Tuesday tomorrow.

*Sigh*

Spoiler Alert:  I have gained weight.  I repeat, I have gained weight.

But, alas.  I cannot post until the afternoon-ish time, seeing as how I must lead The School of Excellence.

You understand, don't you?

See you tomorrow!