Well. I have to admit, I purchased an expensive, seemingly unnecessary cup of coffee while I was in town today.
But I guarantee you that by the end of this here post, I shall prove to you that it was worth every dime.
Oh, yes. I will.
As a result of this past weekend's glorious weather, I decided to clean out my winter clothes.
Foolish? Yes.
Because this is what I woke up to:
When will it end? Oh, the humanity.
So, I was inspired to get many things accomplished today, seeing as how I had an entire day at home.
Yet, while I was in the shower two of my children got into my purse.
Offender #1:
Offender #2:
Are we surprised?
No, we are not.
According to the dudes themselves, Little Dude found the Tylenol in my purse and ate:
"Two!"
"No, four!"
"No, two!"
"No! I eat 'sebben!'"
Hmmm. And Handsome Dude declared that he abstained from partaking of the Tylenol with Little Dude. And we all know that Handsome Dude never tells a lie.
So, I had to call poison control. And since I had no idea if and how many pills were consumed, and Tylenol is like, not a good plan for the youngsters, I had to load up the big rig and head to the Emergency Room.
When we arrived, they had to weigh the boys and get their vitals. Little Dude was Mr. Charming and flirted with everyone who came his way, happily informing them that:
"My bunny's name is Screamer."
Handsome Dude, who was looking quite fetching with his bed hair and shoes on the wrong feet, screamed and hid in the fetal position when it came time to put on his name bracelet.
For we all know how horrific it is to get a bracelet put on.
So, we waited. And waited. Then my dearheart friend, Shelly, came and picked the girls up.
Holla, Shelly!
As a precaution, the doctor wanted the boys to drink charcoal. I lied to them and told them it was a super special cherry soda.
Lying is permissible in these sorts of scenarios.
Then the nurse told them to have a race and see who could drink it the fastest.
Handsome Dude, the boy who writhed on the floor in agony at the sight of a bracelet, chugged that nastiness down faster than a speeding bullet.
And he cheered and cheered for his victory.
Little Dude had a bit of trouble with it. But he got it down. And both boys will forever have charcoal stained shirts and faces as a result of it, I am certain.
Apparently, one must wait 4 hours after the ingestion to take a blood test to see if the amount swallowed is a problem. So, we waited and waited and then finally it was time to draw the blood.
Which went over well with both boys, as I am sure you can imagine.
Then we waited and waited and finally the doctor came in to give us the results.
"Well, Mom, I am not sure if either of them actually ate any Tylenol at all! It didn't show up at all in their blood levels!"
Wow. That was a colossial waste of time and money.
Go, me!
But, what can you do?
So, then we went to the library. Because we are gluttons for punishment.
While at the library, Handsome Dude was arguing with me about whether or not he could check out a magazine.
I said no because:
A) He doesn't read.
B) He will rip it.
C) The library will not allow it to be checked out.
Handsome Dude: MOM! I NEED this!
Me: No. You don't.
HD: I won't rip it!
Me: We aren't getting it.
HD: Yes we are!
Me: No, we are not.
HD (loud for all the world to hear): MOM! I NEED THIS MAZ-A-GEEN FOR WHEN I POOP! I NEED IT! TO POOP! POOP, MOM! POOP!
Ah, joyous.
Finally, we had to use the bathroom before we left the library. The bathroom routine for outings is getting a tad old. I am with the boys in the same stall (lucky me). Little Dude still needs to take off his shoes, pants, and underwear. He still straddles the toilet backwards. He still sings train songs. And he still takes forever and a day to have a successful elimination.
Handsome Dude is a speedy little guy, yet his accuracy rate into the toilet is lacking.
I, myself, do quite well, and am a seasoned pro.
Well, this final bathroom run was about the 6th trip to the bathroom that day. And I gotta admit, the excitment was wearing off.
So, as I got ready to go, Handsome Dude, my blessed son, shouted for all the world to hear:
"Look! Here comes Mom's big bum again!"
And that, my dear readers, is why I deserved that expensive coffee for the trip home.
Gas to and from town:
$40
ER trip for two well-behaved boys
$1,000,000,000,000
Wendy's for lunch
$11
Having your son proclaim the largeness of your rear for all the world to hear:
Priceless.
Happy Tuesday!
PS-This is your friendly, safety reminder to make sure your kids cannot, I repeat, cannot find any medicines or other things they should not have.
PPS-Or else you might have to spend lots of money and worry on a snowy, Tuesday afternnon.
PPPS-And you might hear that you have a big bum.
Gosh, my day doesn't seem so bad now ;-) Yes, you did deserve that coffee and a few more!
ReplyDeleteI think this may have been the funniest blog post you have ever written, Taylor. But I also feel really bad for you.
ReplyDeleteHD is a very funny kid though. :)
Seriously, FUNNIEST. POST. EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou DO deserve the most expensive coffee EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! Those little boys of yours are so cute, but my goodness are they ever naughty!!!!!!!!!
***Btw, at least your son says that YOUR bum is big... My son, when he was about 3 or 4, blurted out that a lady's bum was HUGE... Mind you she bent over right in his face, so he looks at me and yells "WOAH, that lady has a BIG bum, doesn't she Mommy?" Yeah, I wanted to crawl under a rock...
Seriously though, I really enjoyed this post tonight, after a rough day at work, made me smile, even had to share it with my significant other who also chuckled...
I'm with Marla...this is definitely one of your best! I'm glad it was a false alarm and everyone is okay.
ReplyDeleteYou have a gift for turning the terrible into terrific--prose that is! You deserved a double of whatever expensive coffee you purchased. My daugher (now 22) used to say maz a geen!
ReplyDeleteBWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, Taylor, please never EVER stop blogging for I fear if you do all the laughter will be sucked out of my life. ;)
ReplyDeleteOh. My. Goodness. That is a terrible, horrible, no good day! And yet, so entertaining. You poor thing. Don't you even think twice about spending $$ on a coffee, you earned every stinking drop of that coffee! Holy Moly. You are hilarious! And don't you have to go back into town in the morning? It will be Wednesday.....ha ha ha....sorry to bring that up. Again...you poor thing. You, my dear, certainly do not have a boring life. Oh! And look at the bright side--you got a shower in before you had to go to town! Yahoo! Maybe your purse should go to the bathroom with you from now on. Or on top of the closet shelf or something. Just a thought. :)
ReplyDeleteHILARIOUS!!! I used to call magazines, mazageens! Everything else is hilarious as well! Of course!
ReplyDelete1. Of course you deserved the coffee. Tonight, I suggest you unlock the liquor cabinet and indulge.
ReplyDelete2. I have a trick for the millions of bathroom trips with little boys. It's called "the empty water bottle in the back of the car" trick. You take an empty water bottle, allow your young son to eliminate into said water bottle discreetly in the back of the car, then you cap it and throw it away! Voila! Granted, this only works while they're very young, but it has saved my sanity many a time.
3. Your bum is far from big.
Oh dear. What a horrible day. You deserve that coffee for sure. Also, I hope you stopped by the liquor store on the way home, haha! :-) Vodka would be required after a day like that!
ReplyDeleteFor future reference, and this is not medical advice, of course, you could stick your fingers as far down their throats as possible, in an attempt to induce vomiting. Not that I have ever done that. Or use syrup of ipacec (often found in first aid kits, to induce vomiting) or mix salt or hydrogen peroxide with water and make them drink that to induce vomiting. Again, not that I have ever done that. And, consult a Doctor before trying any and all of the above, haha.
Hope tomorrow is muchly better. And, I think you should buy coffee for yourself for the next 15 trips to town to make up for this trip. :-)
And I might add that I forgot the apostrophe after the word "boys." Bad English teacher. Me...not you.
ReplyDeleteOh dear. I think you just made me realize how much I like my own crazy life.
ReplyDeleteOne day, you will use this story to get revenge on the boys. I promise you.
Just so you know, from one who's been there, revenge is very sweet...much sweeter than that fake cherry drink you lied to the boys about, and much, much sweeter than the Starbucks (I assume) drink that you slugged down.
All you have to do is live through the next 15 years of your boys antics.
;)
Taylor.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say.
After a day like that....you definitly deserved the coffee.
ReplyDeleteThe little dude was in my room at church this past sunday. One of the guy helpers was sitting at the table coloring with him. Little dude looks over at the guy and points out that there is something in his nose! He would not leave the guy alone, he kept pointing at his nose and saying " You got ( then words we did not understand) in nose! We finally got him distracted with another activity.
I needed that today! unfortunatly at your expense! Totally hilarious!
ReplyDeleteOh Taylor I was sure this would make a blog post! As I was thinking that today I also thought how thoughtful your boys are, they just didnt want you to be bored, they wanted to give you something to blog about. :) At least you can look back and make a chuckle out of it. To make light on it, I am glad they are ok!
ReplyDeleteI had to laugh at the big bum part, as horrible as it probably did seem at the time. I hope you enjoyed your coffee, try to relax tonight!
And I thought my life was exciting....:)
ReplyDeleteYou are beyond amusing. However, now I can't decide if I ever want any boy-type children. Perhaps I will stick with girls (that's one of the beautiful things about adoption). I say drink all the coffee you want - you earned it!
ReplyDeleteWow! You had a day! Unnecessary ER visits are just so annoying! lol
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog for months now, and we are seriously living parallel lives. I have 4 kiddos----3 boys, and a girl (in that order). They are almost exactly the same age as your kiddos; 9, 7, 3 (4 in July), and 2. We live in the middle of nowhere on 5 acres, (where the forecast for this evening is rain and snow!) and I started homeschooling this year. My husband loves to hunt (we should swap venison seasoning recipes!) and I've got so much wood piled in my basement at the moment that I could scream. Many, many of your posts I could have written myself!! It's like Christmas for me every time I see you have a new post! lol
Anyhow, with my third son, I finally figured out how to avoid the child stripping completely naked from the waist down in the bathroom. If you just take one shoe off, and pull one pant leg off, then he can still get his legs apart to straddle the toilet, but it's less re-dressing to do! I'm just still kicking myself that I didn't figure out this little trick sooner! Hope tomorrow is better for you! :)
You have an amazing gift for turning the super awful into the super funny. Pioneer Woman and you should go out for coffee... or cow tipping... or whatever it is you country girls do ;)
ReplyDeleteDying over here... because I so needed these laughs. And because I swear you live my life somedays. Except I'm positively positive that Itty Bit is a dangerous combination of BOTH of your boys.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think I shall be thankful that I cannot hear whatever Itty Bit might say in a public restroom ;)
We do the one side off thing as well. Much faster. My little dude is almost 4.
ReplyDeleteHow funny that Sarah & Dawn both shared about Sarah's penchant for saying mazageen...I thought the same thing as I read the post. And I thought about how when Sarah's little sister Molly used to try and teach my youngest to say magazine and not mazageen...Weirdness..
ReplyDeleteRegardless of all that extra nothingness, this post was HILARIOUS!!! Thanks for the laughter before I head to the dentist.
And you only bought coffee???? You deserved so much more! Are you now going to maintain a stack of magazines in the bathroom for HD's needs? Of course, if he has terrible aim the magazines would be ruined in no time, I imagine. One of my darling boys ruined a stack of magazines that way. Unfortunately, they weren't my magazines, and they weren't in my bathroom. And btw, I'm sure you realize this, but don't try the water bottle in the back of the van trick--especially when someone has poor aim. The horror!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI made that exact same trip to the ER for the exact same reason with Hayden when he was two! Right down to the charcoal and the conclusion that he hadn't actually eaten any Tylenol at all. You totally deserved that coffee
ReplyDeleteBoys. Are. Different.
You deserve a years worth of expensive coffee. This is wonderful... mind if I link to this post, everyone needs a laugh.
ReplyDeleteYou don't know the effect your post has on me right now - for I'm now home after a no good horrible lousy morning also. Someone put a hex on today. Very upsetting. At least here it is drop-dead gorgeous out. I won't even bore you with how bad my morning has been so far. Thank God, the boys are OK. A wake-up call for meds storage. Likely LJ is thinking of all the xtra jobs he will do to pay for the mishap. Very bad morning.
ReplyDeleteTaylor, it is not nice to make people laugh so hard they have to go potty! ;) That was absolutely priceless.
ReplyDeleteOh Taylor! Thank you for the opportunity to forget (for a moment) that I am stuck at work with a headache. I narrowly avoided fountains of diet coke spewed across my desk as I hooted with laughter at today's tales of life with Taylor and the dudes! And then I tweeted this hoot of a tale so that more people might be made aware of the size of your butt .... er ... your very funny blog!
ReplyDeleteOh yeah -- Beth sent me.
ReplyDeleteOh dear. And to think I've been known to treat myself to a coffee over a broken fingernail.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I followed Beth's lead and landed here! Hysterical!
ReplyDeleteGlad you had coffee it soften the blow...
I feel really kind of bad for hysterically laughing at this...but I just can.not.stop.
ReplyDeleteToo funny!
Bathroom trips with little ones are the worst.
You SO deserved that coffee!
I swear I have had days like that but you made it sound like so much fun:)
ReplyDeleteBiggest laugh of the day for me - especially this line "I, myself, do quite well, and am a seasoned pro." So sorry to gain enjoyment from you struggles, but thank you!!
ReplyDeleteOh Taylor - such a gift God has given you in viewing so many of life's challenges with a window of humor. I absolutely love hearing about the ups and downs of life in the "Lumberjack" household and how you turn them in smiles instead of tears. Cuz I know if you weren't laughing you'd be crying!! So if I'm sitting beside you in church again and I look at you and burst out laughing, you'll know why......some of the visuals you give your readers are truly priceless.
ReplyDeleteHoly cow. Wow. I think you deserve fifty over-priced coffees, my friend!
ReplyDeleteYes, this is one of your best posts even if not your best day. You definitely deserved that fancy coffee. If I had been the mom in that situation I would have also bought myself a brownie and the kids doughnuts. Then I would have eaten my brownie and their doughnuts. I am so mean. :)
ReplyDeleteNot if you stick the whole pee part in the bottle...then it works very well. So I hear.
ReplyDeleteon one hand, i feel really really bad for you, because this has all the makings of a really terrible day. but on my other hand, it's freaking hilarious.
ReplyDeleteI just read the magazine part to my husband, and he laughed. he NEVER laughs at my blog. You have magic words my friend.
I'm feeling especially relived to hear you are doing A-okay in the potty department. I would worry you know, if you weren't at a seasoned pro level.
I laughed out loud. Not at the ER part as I assume that was complete horror. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteNow, the rest of it had me smiling and giggling.
Oh, I'm sorry for your day.
But I'm so glad you shared it.
You should've mentioned it to the coffee girl...she may have given you it for freeeeeee.
that was quite a scare! glad it all worked out and that you appear to still have you sanity and sense of humor!! :) have a great weekend!!
ReplyDeleteI realize I am a little late on this one but sometimes it takes me a while to catch up with the LumberJill times...
ReplyDeleteThis was BY FAR your funniest post! I am still cracking up about it! Your family is just too precious! Thanks for sharing your moments, even when it may (or may not) involve slight bits of humiliation!
And (coming from someone in healthcare) you did the right thing! Go Taylor! What great news to hear that they hadn't ingested any Tylenol at all!