Go, Speed Racer!

I am leaving for Las Vegas on Saturday with my mom.  My mom invited me and I was not going to go, on account of the fact that I have no money to be foolishly throwing away on airplane tickets.  However, David heard about this trip and told me I must go.

I have determined his reasons for why he is forcing me to go on this trip:

1)  He has hunting guilt.

2)  He has "I moved my wife to the boonies" guilt.

3)  He didn't know what to get me for my birthday.

4)  Did I tell you I turned 30?  I know.  I am still depressed, too.

I checked the weather and did you know that in some places the weather can reach in the 100's?!?!?  And one such place is Las Vegas?!?!

Oh, my lands.

I get weary in our 79 degree heat.  Show me a 9 degree day and I'll just slap on my long underwear and build me a fire.  But 100 degrees?  How do these people live?

We are meeting my Auntie Datenutloaf there.  Auntie Datenutloaf lives in a far off land, so we don't often see her.  When I was a child, she came and lived with us for a time. 

Years ago, when I was a young lass, Auntie Datenutloaf came for a visit. We were playing Trivial Pursuit.  This is the only game my Dad would play with us, because it is the only game he wins at.

Sidenote:  Have you ever seen a person with no creativity or imagination play Balderdash?

That would be my Dad.

Example:  When he was told to come up with the plot for a movie titled "There's one born every minute," he wrote:  "A movie about babies being born."

Yes.  We were taken aback by his ingenuity as well.

Why am I talking about Balderdash?  Let's proceed.

So, Auntie Datenutloaf was playing Trivial Pursuit with us.  My dad was in a good mood, only because he was winning, and us children were just trying to act like we knew what any of the questions were.

It was my turn to read a question:  "What contraceptive was invented in the 1950's?"

Of course, all the adults turned red and had that "Oh, snap!  Should we be playing this game with the children!?" look when Brother Danny shouted:

"I know!  I know!"

At this point, all joy has been sucked out of my father's life as he is pondering his failures as a father since his young son knows of contraceptives.

"It's color TV!  Color TV is the answer!"

At this point, Auntie Datenutloaf cannot contain herself any longer.  She begins to run/fall down the stairs to the bathroom shouting:

"Bail O' Cotton!  Bail O' Cotton!"

Which made no sense to children such as ourselves.  But now that I am 30, and wiser to life, I completely know what she was talking about.

She was going to pee her pants.

And I now know what a contraceptive is.

And no, it is not a color TV . . . technically speaking . . .

Auntie Datenutloaf never considered me to be the brightest crayon in the box.  It would take me awhile to catch on to things.

For example, one dreary, cold winter day, my uncle asked me to get him some sunscreen.

Isn't he just hilarious?

Well I, being the obedient child that I was, went to look for it.  For like 20 minutes.  When I came downstairs my mother and Aunt were mocking me.

Yes.  Mocking.

Mom:  Taylor.  Of course he doesn't need sunscreen.  Look outside.

Auntie Datenutloaf:  Go Speed Racer!

I just smiled and acted like I knew what a Speed Racer was.

source

Now, I know that I am 30, I know that she was making fun of me.

The nerve!

And now, I am going on a trip with these people.

My goal is to not get called "Speed Racer" once.

***

In other news, I convinced David to shave his sideburns.

I do not know how I accomplished this, nor do I know if I shall ever accomplish anything this spectacular in my life again, but they are gone.

Oh, yes.  They are gone.

***

David got a smart phone.

We are hoity-toity Ruralville-ites now.

***

I lost like 1 pound.  Do you think I will meet my 10 pound goal by Saturday?

***

(The answer is no.  No, I will not)

***

The hummingbirds have left me.  I am trying to act like it doesn't bother me, but it does.

Do hummingbirds go out of season?

Go, Speed Racer!