Unbelievable.

The following are true happenings.

You may find them hard to believe.

But, they are true . . . oh, so true.

1)  I know the person who created this pattern:

Is that not the cutest thing ever?

I cannot even sew the patches on my girls' Awanas vests.

Check out her site:  www.beansproutcreations.com

I don't just know of her.

I know her know her.

We all know how joyous coffee is.

But think of how much more joyous it would be when you have that darling little owl sleeve on your cup!

And she even has a matching glove pattern.

Incredible!

2)  The last three times the Lumberjack and I have rented a movie, we have picked one that we thought we had not seen, but 20 minutes into it, one of us decides we have seen the movie.

Then we bicker over whether or not we have actually seen aforementioned movie.

Then we watch it for a few more minutes to ensure we have really seen it.

Then we fall asleep on the couch.

What has become of our life together, Mr. Lumberjack?

3)   In my lifetime, I have cut my eyebrow in half . . . not once, but twice.

The first time during my freshman year in high school.  It was a tragic event where I confused a tiny pair of scissors for tweezers.

Grooming is difficult for me.

The second time was last month.

And I would prefer to not share anymore.

4)  Speaking of beauty products, I was afraid of make-up in junior high.  All my friends started wearing it and I began to feel left out.

But I was retarded with makeup.

So my mother bought me clear mascara.

Raise your hand if you did not even know clear mascara existed.

Good.  All of you. 

Now, raise your hand if you don't even know what the purpose of clear mascara would be.

Good, class.

Raise your hand if you are not surprised that I poked myself right on the eyeball with said mascara each and every morning.

Good.

I have issues.

5)  I was a cheerleader in junior high.

6)  I started taking piano lessons at the age of 12 . . . a little later than most children. 

I loved it. 

I continued with the lessons through my junior year in high school. 

For my last recital, I played a 13-page performance of Celine Dion's, "My Heart will Go On" from the Titanic.

I don't wanna brag, but I brought down the house.

Of course, my competition was 6-8 year olds who were butchering "Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star."

After my award-winning performance, I was swarmed by those 6-8 year olds, wondering how I could play so well.

Well, girls . . . I am twice your age.

And apparently I am a loser, because there is no one else here even near my age bracket.

But, don't worry.

I let myself have my moment of glory.

I shook their little hands, gathered my 13 pages of sheet music, held my head high, and walked out of there a star.

And I never performed again.

 7)  And my final bit of unbelievable, yet very true news is:

I lost 3 pounds this week!

Who would have thunk it?

This:

 

is clearly no match for my iron-will like disclipline.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

 

Because I started a diet.

Does this happen to anyone else?

Or am I just really addicted to food?

It is Day 5 of my diet plan . . . yeah . . . don't think I am going to make it.

Whenever I decide to eat healthy, all I can think about are the foods that I cannot eat.

For example:

Big Macs from McDonald's.

Yes, I can admit it. 

I LOVE them.

It must be that special sauce.

Mmmm . . .it truly is special.

I love Big Macs even more when they come with french fries and a large soda.

Diet soda, of course.

We don't want to eat too many calories, now.

Besides, you should never drink your calories.

Except when drinking coffee.

Then it is okay to drink:

this.

And

Egg Nog Lattes.

In those two cases, it is completely understandable and acceptable to drink calories.

I have also been thinking a lot about pasta.

For example, Fettucine Alfredo.

Pioneer Woman posted this recipe.

And, I long to make it.

Because I need more butter in my life.

But, no.

I have two mean friends who are MAKING me follow this diet.

And they would not allow it.

I also really want one of these:

And maybe some of  this:

Delicious in my belly.

And I also would not mind some of this:

Tell me "why, oh why, can't I"?

(Name that movie song)

And there is one more thing that I really want to eat.

Cheese.

Cheddar makes everything better.

But, I must forge on.

I must put all these delicious tasty food items out of my mind, and instead focus on

Mmmmmmm . . . right?

Hey!

You know what makes broccoli taste really yummy?

Cheese!

Cheddar Cheese!

*Sigh*

Day 5.

Only Day 5.

Raise your hand if you're pretty sure I won't succeed.

It's okay.

Tell the truth.

Because it is Day 5.

It is Day 5 of NaBloPoMo.

NaBlo-what?

Exactly.

And so, it is time for two product reviews.

Because I got nothing else to say.

First up:

Method (from Target) Squirt and Mop Hardwood floor cleaner:

Pros:

1)  It is easy.  You squirt and then you mop.  Hence the name.

2)  It did a good job cleaning up the floors.

3)  It has the most heavenly almond scent.  Seriously.  The scent was truly delightful and made mopping all the more enjoyable.

Cons:

1)  It did not remove scratches in the wood floors caused by truck-racing.

2)  It did not magically mop the floors all by itself.

3)  The floors are already dirty again. 

Can't somebody please invent a cleaning product that freezes your home clean for at least a week?

Because I am beginning to feel like everything I do around here is pointless.

But for the almond scent alone, I will forever and ever love this hardwood floor cleaner.

Does anyone else have wood floors?

Does anyone else have a love/hate relationship with them?

I have been definitely more on the hating end these days.

They show EVERYTHING.

Not that my house ever has anything like dirt, dog hair, dust, leaves, matchbox cars, bark, wood, ashes, cheerios, toast, pine needles, or four children in it.

My house is pretty spotless.

Secondly:

Is not Oasis the greatest British band since the Beatles?

Can we not vote on that?

Name the actor who said that!

Ha!

It's a tricky one!

Also,is not Coffeemate chocolate raspberry creamer the best tasting coffee creamer in the entire universe?

I dare you to try and find a better tasting one.

In fact, I double dog dare you.

Pros:

1)  Nothing tastes better in coffee.  Nothing.

2)  It makes the world a better place. 

Cons:

1)  It is expensive when you need to buy a couple of these a week.

2)  I am pretty sure it is bad for you.  But I don't really want to know either way.

3)  It is sabotaging my weight loss efforts.

Yes, I started a diet this week.

And since I have started this diet, all I can think about is pasta, cheese, pizza, cheeseburgers, french fries, and Blizzards from Dairy Queen.

And cheese.

I really want a huge hunk of cheddar cheese.

It is truly a travesty.

But, I need help.

I need a healthier, lower fat way to flavor my coffee.

And don't tell me to drink it black.

I will not listen to you OR your foolish nonsense.

So, please.

Please.

Help my muffin top disappear and tell me how I should flavor my coffee.