Walmart in Mexico.

Oh, dear.

I forgot to mention something in yesterday's post that happened on Sunday.

It happens.

After we ate and relaxed and ate and relaxed, we decided to go to Walmart.

What?

Walmart?

In Cancun?

Yes.

You heard me correctly.

My suitcase was damaged during the trip and would not longer zip closed.

And that would not do.

I considered just leaving all my belongings behind.

But then I remembered that I had borrowed several of Bimlissa's belongings as well.

And I don't think she would like it if I abandoned her entire summer wardrobe in Cancun.

She can hold a grudge something fierce.

I mean . . . just look at her.

Oh, to think of what she would do to me.

I shudder at the thought.

So,  on Sunday night, the Lumberjack and I hopped on the city bus and hoped to find Walmart.

Interruption:  You have not lived until you have ridden the city bus in Mexico to a Walmart.

We get off the bus at what appears to be the correct stop.

But we cannot be certain, for we no habla espanol.

And we no read espanol.

We start walking and out of nowhere the same bus pulls up to us and starts honking.

The bus driver is yelling at us.

"No, Amigos! Bienvenidos picante calliente sol sombrero!"

Reminder: Me no habla espanol and me no remember espanol.

Turns out we were going the wrong way.

So, the kind bus driver points us in the right direction and off we go.

Color us embarrassed.

I am happy to report that we found the Walmart.

The Lumberjack decided he needed sunglasses.

Seriously.

He is so high-maintenance.

LJ (Lumberjack, people!):  Dude!  You should totally get some sunglasses.

Me:  Dude!  You know how ridiculous I look when I wear sunglasses.

LJ:  I know!  It's freakin' hilarious!  Get some.

Back in the days of yore, my high school peers informed me that my face did not have the necessary forehead-to-rest-of-face size ratio compatible to attractively wearing sunglasses.

It would seem that my eyes are set too low in my face.

I have carried this insecurity with me ever since.

No.

I did not buy them.

Yes.

He did buy them.

Next we walked around Walmart approximately 4.7 times looking for a suitcase.

I asked 3 workers if they spoke English.

They looked at me as if I were an insane crazy person.

Finally, a man walked up to me and said,

"I speak English.  What do you need?"

"Oh, thank you!  I need a suitcase!  We are travelling-we are from the States, actually, and something must have happened during the flight because when we got to our hotel and I went to open my suitcase the zipper was completely broken.  And, finally, I could open it and get what was inside, but there is no way I can close it again, so I need a new one.  Which is why we are here!"

Kind, English-speaking man pointed straight ahead of me and walked away.

Sometimes people tell me I talk too much.

And it was at that moment that I pondered that thought.

1000 pesos later, we were on our way!

And that, my friends, concludes Sunday.

*****

Monday.

Monday was tour day.

We get on a bus.

Our tour guide tell us his name is Ventura, but we can call him Ace.

It took me a minute, but I got it.

We drove 2 hours to get to our destination.

Oh, Mylanta!

When we signed up for this tour, we were told we were going to a place called Xel-Ha.

It was described to us a place with rivers, caves, bikes, free food (score!), free drinks (score!), dolphins, fishies, free ice cream (yessssssssssssssss), and snorkeling.

We paid $192 for the both of us.

And that was after our Carlos/Waldo discount.

Well, Ace Ventura calls out a handful of people on the bus and tells them they are getting off at Xel-Ha, where they can play in the water and eat and drink to their heart's delight.

Then, Senor Ventura tells the rest of us we are first going to a place called Tulum for 2 hours before heading back to Xel-Ha.

"Tulum is very hot.  Very, very hot.  No shade.  Do not bring your backpacks.  It will be too hot."

Wow.

That sounds fun.

"At Tulum, there is no food or drink.  You only get drink when you get to Xel-Ha."

Hmmm . . . me no likey.

"Do not use bathrooms at Tulum.  They are not pleasant."

Dude.

You're killing me.

"We will have 2 hour tour of ancient ruins at Tulum and then we will head back to Xel-ha.  Ok?  Si?  Frijole?  Bien!"

The Lumberjack looked at me.

"Do you want to see ruins?"

Me:  "No!  I will be too thirsty!"

LJ:  Me neither.

Me:  We paid for Xel-Ha.  What is this Tulum he speaks of?

LJ:  Let's tell him we are supposed to get off at Xel-Ha, not Tulum.

So, we find Ace Ventura.

LJ:  We are supposed to go to Xel-Ha.

Ace Ventura:  You don't want to go to Tulum?

He seemed hurt.

LJ:  No.  Just Xel-Ha.

Ace:  Ok.  That is fine.  You just go with other group.

Us:  Sweet!

Idiot Alert:  We later discovered that if we had just paid for Xel-Ha, the regular price would have been $75 each.

We paid extra for Tulum.

Who would pay extra for Tulum?

Are they all insane?

So . . . we head into Xel-Ha.

Now.

I am not a girl who snorkels.

I am one of those girls who gets into the pool and alerts everyone within a 2 mile radius that the plan is to not get my hair wet.

And, also, my mascara might run.

Yes.

I am one of those people.

But, my Lumberjack, whom I love with all my being, would really like to do this.

And to prove my undying love for him, I am going to dunk my face into the ocean.

I told him I felt like Jason.

We had a fantastic laugh over that one.

Jason is the Lumberjack's little brother.

None of you will get that joke.

But we find it quite funny.

Because I don't want you to feel like the Lumberjack and I have an inside joke we are keeping from you, I will include this picture of Jason from a past camping trip, so you can have a frame of reference:

Oh, dear me.

That guy is a kick in the pants.

I'm sorry, Jason.

Here is a picture of the Lumberjack from that same camping trip.

You know.

I gotta make it Even-Stevens.

Hands off, girls.

That stud-muffin is mine.

All mine.

Who are these peoples that became my family when I married that strange man?

What has become of my life?

And now . . . .

I am one of them.

Or not.

Snorkeling is hard, people!

I could not figure it out!

Everytime I would put my face in, water would fill my goggles and enter my nose.

And then I could not breathe.

And that, my friends, is not safe.

So, I am trying to be a good sport and be the wife that the Lumberjack has always hoped for.

Instead, I am a sputtering idiot with wet hair and mascara running down her cheeks.

So, for the remainder of the snorkeling adventure, the Lumberjack snorkeled and just grabbed my life jacket and pulled me along with him.

And I told him that if a gross, slimy fish touched my leg, we were getting a divorce.

Then he would roll his eyes at me.

And then I would crack another joke about Jason.

And he would laugh and laugh and forget that he was annoyed at me.

Here are some more random pictures from Xel-Ha:

Dolphins!

We did not pay to swim with them for 2 reasons:

1)  We are cheap

2)  Dolphins would qualify as gross, slimy fishies that might touch my legs.

Iguanas.

Gross.

These things were everywhere.

Now, would you look at that face.

Fact:  I asked the Lumberjack if he could believe we had been married for 10 years already.

Would you like to know what he said?

Feels like 30.

How should I take this?

Thoughts?

Don't judge me about not wanting the gross fishies to touch my legs.

You would freak out, too.

And that, my friends, is why I worry about getting my hair wet.

And why I worry about wearing a swimsuit.

Ok.

I must tell you.

This guy napped constantly on our vacation.

 

I simply left him there and went shopping.

His people snorkel . . . my people shop.

***

We found Ace Ventura again and rode the bus back to our hotel.

Then we changed our clothes and went to dinner.

Have I mentioned that we ate a lot on this trip?

Pop Quiz:  Do you think I gained more weight or The Lumberjack gained more weight?

Happy Wednesday!