Where's Waldo?

Alright.

So, we boarded the plane and no arrests were made.

(Confused?  Click here to catch up!)

We made our travel arrangements through Book It.com and the airline they chose for us was United.

And we had the pleasure of watching this safety video for the first of many, many, many times.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tmi0Bd4eHs

Yes.

You need to click on that link.

Why?

Because you need to tell me what on earth that lady has on her neck?

What is it's purpose?

It looks like she stole Amelia Earhart's flying goggles and strapped them sideways on her neck.

I got real tired of seeing them goggles.

Or maybe it is a ribbon?

Or some other sort of fashionable accessory?

And don't even get me started on safety guy's weird multi-colored facial hair.

Boy, I bet you feel left out if you didn't click on that link.

I told you to do it.

You only have yourselves to blame.

Also, United Airlines invited me to join them on Twitter.

Well, first of all, I don't understand Twitter.

And, second of all, no.

Now, I did start enjoying my flight when they started showing episodes of The Office and Frasier!

Now that is flying.

When we finally made it to Cancun, we had to wait in line at customs for 2 entire hours.

And I had not eaten lunch.

These sorts of things make me cranky.

We finally made it through all the rigamaroo and we tried to leave the airport.

But, no.

That would not be an easy task.

This was when all the kind peoples stopped us to ask us if we were honeymooners.

Silly foreign peoples.

Don't they understand that gringas get cranky when they have not eaten.

We get to our hotel.

It is grand and glorious.

I kid you not.

After a very confusing check-in procedure, they slap on our all-inclusive bracelets and send us on our way.

Food!

This means we can eat!

But, wait.

We must get stopped again.

And now, dear readers, I present to you:

Our Conversation with the 9th person to stop and ask us this very question on this hungry, hungry day:

"Hola, honeymooners!  Welcome!"

"No, no.  Not our honeymoon."

"What!?  Why are you here?"

"Anniversary."

"Bien!  Bien! Verde muchos los tortillas muy bienvenidos!"

Interruption:  I am simply making stuff up here.

Reminder:  Me no habla espanol and me no remember espanol

"Yes.  Our 10 year anniversary!"

"What!?  No, no no!  How old are you, sir?"

"29"

And, no.

He does not care how old I am.

"You look so young, Senor!  I am 31 and have one bambino."

Interruption:  100 (meaningless) points to anyone who can tell me what the Spanish word for baby is.

I went with bambino.

You go with your gut.

"We have four bambinos!"

"What?  No!"

"Yes!"

"Tell me, Senors, are you going on any tours while in Cancun?

I would like to tour one of your fine restaurants, Senor Blabs-a-Lot.

"Um . . . maybe?"

"Well, if you book it with the hotel, you can receive 60%off the tour price!  Does that sound good?  No?"

"Yeah.  Sounds great!"

"Ok.  What time you want to come for meeting tomorrow?  8:30?  9:30?"

"Um . . . ."

"Just quick presentation for 90 minutes.  You just listen.  Then you get discount.  You have credit card?"

Danger, Lumberjack!  Danger!  I sense a scheme!

"Yes."

"Visa?  Mastercard?"

"Um . . . Mastercard?"

"Muy bien!  Muy bien!  Ok.  You leave me deposit of five U.S. dollars and if you come back you can have them back."

Hmmm . . . .I am thinking he is related to that King of Nigeria who is always emailing me.

"Alright.  Here you go."

Yes. 

The Lumberjack handed him 5 $1 bills.

No.

I did not try to talk him out of it.

I was too hungry to care.

"Wonderful!  Bien!  Fajitas! Anaranjado!  And if you need anything else you come find me, no?"

"Ok, sounds good!"

Can we eat now?  Me no eat since 0400.

"My name is Waaaaaaaalllllllll-Do . . . ok?"

"Ok?"

"You know.   Like funny American cartoon man with stripey shirt?  Where am I?  Where did I go?"

"Waldo!  Right!  Ok, Waldo!  See you later!"

"Si!  Waldo!  Ok.  One more thing Senor.  Can I call you in the morning to remind you about your presentation?"

"Sure."

"Wonderful!  Miercoles! Frijoles!  Adios!"

Now, folks.

It is the moment we have been waiting for.

Dinner.

Oh.

My.

Good.

Ness.

Do not put a starving girl in front of a delicious all you can eat buffet and tell her it is free.

And then don't tell her there is also a menu she can order off of for free.

And please, please, have mercy upon her jeans and do not inform her that she can also order room service any time she would like.

For free.

It was a glorious meal.

And I ate.

A lot.

***

We go to the secret presentation meeting place where we are certain to be scammed.

No Waldo.

Where's Waldo!?

Oh, I crack myself up.

A kind lady who seems up to par with Waldo's shennanigans leads us to a secret waiting room.

Where we wait.

Then we have to follow a man named Carlos into the restaurant.

I like Carlos.

Carlos gets me.

Carlos:  Please.  Eat your breakfast.  I wait presentation for you.

Sounds good, Carlos.

Sounds good.

Carlos:  You like this place, no?

Us:  Yes!  It is very nice!

Carlos:  And you like hotel, no?

Us:  Lovely!

Carlos:  Tell me.  Just how important is travel to you.  And do not consider money.

Mayday!  Mayday!

Us:  Um . . . well, we like it.  It is hard to go.  It gets expensive-

Carlos:  No!  Don't consider money!

Well, Carlos.

I do not appreciate your tone.

LJ (Lumberjack.  Keep up!):  It is very important.

Carlos:  That is what I thought.  Where do you want to go in this life?

Us:  Um . . . .

I want to go to the beach.

Carlos:  Europe?  Australia?  Hawaii?

LJ:  Maybe Alaska?

Carlos: Hmm . . . .but also Europe?

LJ:  Ok.

Carlos:  My job is to guarantee you 50 years worth of vacations.  Would you like to go on vacations for 50 years?

Us:  Um . . . .

Carlos:  It does not matter to me where you go.  Hawaii?  Italy?  It is your problem.  You want to go to Disneyland?  It is your problem.  Not mine.

Ha!  My problem!  He kept saying that!  Love it!

Next, Carlos leads us to a secret pyramid located in our hotel.

Only the extraordinary members of this special and elite club are eligible to stay in this pyramid.

He shows us rooms that have kitchens and living rooms and hot tubs in them.

They are divine.

They are exquisite.

They are expensive.

Carlos leads us back to a secret club meeting room full of other potential club members.

Carlos has been studying us this whole time.

And Carlos has come up with the perfect vacation plan package for us.

And guess what!?

It is only $78,000 US dollars!

Amazing!

But, wait!

It gets better!

We only need to come up with $38,000 right now and then we can make monthly payments of $1800 from now until eternity.

I can see why they are offering us this package.

Clearly, we are . . .

Upper Class.

But, wait!

There's even more!

Everytime somebody else in that room joined this club, they would all cheer and pop open a bottle of champagne.

And this happened at least 3 times while we were in there.

Who are these people?

What do these people do?

Who can afford this stuff?

Where's Waldo?

Sadly, we had to break it to Carlos, that no, we cannot afford his vacation plan.

Carlos was a nice guy.

We felt bad that he wasted his time on us.

We held our heads up high, walked past the gloating rich peoples sipping their champagne, and collected our 5 $1 bills.

And did we get our discount on the tour?

You better believe it.

We did not sit through 2 hours of humiliation for nothing.

We milked that presentation for all it was worth.

Then we slapped on some bathing suits and relaxed.

Then we ate.

Then we relaxed.

Then we ate.

Then we relaxed.

Then we ordered nachos by the pool.

Because they were free.

Then we relaxed.

Then we ate.

And then it was time to eat again.

And that, my friends, concludes the retelling of  Saturday and Sunday.

Remember . . . our trip lasted through the next Saturday.

Aren't you glad I am dragging this out so much?

You're welcome.

De Nada!

Bibliotecha!

Leche!

Fresa!