***
I was a stupid new mom.
You might think I am a stupid old mom, too, but keep that to yourself. I had no idea what was coming when my daughter was born.I had no clue what the meaning of the word "tired" was, until she came along.This child completely had her days and nights mixed up.
She was up ALL NIGHT LONG.
And each day I was growing more and more deliriously tired.
My mom called me one afternoon: "Hi! How's it going over there?"
"Horrible!" I snapped. "I got 1 1/2 hours of sleep. I am never having any more kids. Never. Why do people do this again? Are they STUPID?"
Never having any more kids. Ha!
I began to loathe the Lumberjack each night around 10pm.
He would happily brush his teeth and then come into the living room where I was imprisoned by this fussy and very awake newborn.
"Goodnight!" he would smile.
Oh. I would just want to throw my Boppy pillow at him.
He made it sound so easy.
Goodnight.
"Hope we're not too loud for you." I would say.
"Nope!"
And off he would go . . . to bed . . . to sleep . . . for 8 hours solid.
Traitor.
He would stumble out of the bedroom at 6am, and there I would be, either nursing or rocking the child, and fuming that I had not EVEN been to bed yet.
And then HE would take a nice, long, hot, uninterrupted shower, get dressed and head off to work with adults.
And there I would still be.
On the couch.
With a baby.
No shower.
No sleep.
No adults.
Not dressed.
And the most annoying part was that people kept making comments to me like:
"Your poor husband. He is so tired. He needs more sleep."
What?!
Yes.
Let's feel bad for the guy who gets 8 hours of sleep and gets to LEAVE.
Never mind the tired new mom.
Remember her?
The gal who had to spend 22 hours in labor before giving birth to this screaming creature?
The same gal who now has to breastfeed (and she HATES breastfeeding) around the clock?
Remember her?
Anyone?
Please.
I did not like this new arrangement in life. I found it quite unfair.
So, I told him we needed a new arrangement.
He agreed and said that he would go to bed at 10pm and then if at 2am, I was still up, we would switch.
Fine, I said.
So, that is what I did.
At 2am, I went and woke him up.
And on that night, I discovered something about my Lumberjack that I had not yet known in our 2 1/2 years of marriage:
The Lumberjack is INSANE.
It's 2 am and his turn.
I wake him up.
He does not understand what is going on.
He does not know where he is.
He might not even be sure of who I am.
He makes weird grunting noises, rolls over, and goes back to sleep.
I do not find this cute.
I attempt to wake him up again:
"Hello! You said you would take her at 2am so I could sleep!"
"HHHMMMPPPHHHH."
He dramatically threw all the blankets off of himself and stomped out of the room, and then he went into the bathroom.
And just sat on the toilet.
With the toilet lid down.
Fully clothed.
Just sat there.
"Ahem! Can you take her?"
Still sitting.
The baby was extremely fussy at this point in the evening.
Knowing what I know now, the child just needed to be laid down in her crib, cry for 2.5 minutes, and she would be off to lala land.
But I was a stupid new mom and was sure she needed to be held every second of every cry.
So, while Mr. Lumberjack was taking a moment to "reflect" while sitting on a toilet, I was trying everything I could think of to calm the baby down.
Finally, LJ let's out a big sigh, and walks over to me:
"Give her to me," he says in a very sassy voice.
This was also new to me.
Now I hear it often: LJ's too tired and insane SASSY voice.
It is quite annoying.
But I have come to realize, that if he is using the sassy voice, it isn't the real LJ.
It is the insane LJ.
And I should just ignore it and let him go back to sleep. Because he truly is not himself.
And he will not remember one bit of this the next day.
He's not a bad guy.
He's actually quite wonderful. And handsome, I might add.
He's just insane in the middle of the night.
"What are you going to do with her?" I am not sure of this new, sassy husband of mine.
"Fix her."
"How?"
"Just give her to me."
"I want to know what you are going to do first."
"Give me the super glue."
"Are you serious?"
"Huh?"
"You can't superglue a baby!"
"She'll stop crying, won't she?"
It is at this point that I now fear for my child's life.
He snatches her from me and says,
"Go get some sleep."
Right.
I watch him for awhile.
He lays down on the couch with her on his chest.
She is furious.
He begins to hum extremely loudly and just kind of move her up and down with his arm.
And then he falls asleep . . . while she is flailing and screaming.
I am not okay with this. This is not safe.
So, I go and wake him up:
"You are doing this wrong! You can't sleep with her awake on top of you! What if she falls?"
He finds me to be quite annoying at this hour.
He is mad that I am up and he is up.
Somebody needs to be asleep.
So, he banished me to our room.
For the life of me, I could not go to sleep.
You can understand why, can't you?
Well, about 30 minutes later, he came back into the room, alone, and got into bed.
"Where is the baby?"
"You know where she is."
"No, I don't."
"Yes."
"No. Where is she?"
"Where she always is!" the sassy voice was very much back.
"And where is that!?" this poor newborn was sleeping somewhere new every night: bassinet, swing, car seat, crib, wherever. We just wanted sleep!
"Uh!" he is quite annoyed with me. And sassy. "She is in the vent."
At this news, I jump out of bed and frantically search the house to find my precious baby who I mistakenly left in the care of her insane father.
Checked the swing: no baby.
Checked the car seat: no baby.
Checked the bassinet: no baby.
Checked the vent: no baby.
Checked the crib: sleeping baby!
Kind of sad that an insane, sassy father can get a newborn to sleep in her crib in the middle of the night . . . something I could not accomplish yet as a stupid, new mom.
From then on, I did not ask the Lumberjack to help me in the middle of the night.
I did not ask him to help with each subsequent child, either.
Our marriage would never survive it.
But when he is awake and alert, he is very loving, very helpful, and very attentive.
And not one bit sassy . . . most of the time.
YIKES! Taylor you look TERRIFIED in that photo! Was it taken by a sassy LJ in the middle of the night, perchance?
ReplyDeleteOh, this all sounds so familiar! For some reason my husband has this magic touch with babies too...when I can rouse him awake enough to take a turn!! Ahhhh...with four kids it seems like a LONG time ago that our whole world evolved around our first baby...but really it was only 9 years ago.
ReplyDeleteYay, it's the crazy daddy story! I should be mad that you made me wait almost to the end of the alphabet, but I'm too entertained to be angry.
ReplyDeleteAnd look how dark Sweet Pea's hair was!
My husband called the police one night in the middle of the night. He told them someone was breaking in. Imagine my surprise when I awaken from a sound slumber to all the lights on and hubs pacing. Imagine my surprise when the police actually turn up. He told them he heard a window break. No broken window. He had a fever and it made him ca-razy!
ReplyDeleteMy first one never cried.
Second one gave me a run for my money : )
Oh, dear! I am sooooo sending this to my daughter to read. She had her first baby in August, and the whole scenario of him saying how tired he was in the morning after she'd been awake all night, finally deciding to share the sleep/wake cycles, trying to wake up her husband, him not being coherent (him: "what are we doing?" her: "the same thing we've done the past two nights, feeding him.") and getting him to not fall asleep with the baby on his chest...then we don't even want to talk about the attempt to feed the 2 week old baby alfredo sauce on his pinky (whaaat? it's just got milk and cheese in it.).
ReplyDeleteIt certainly wasn't funny at the time when she hadn't slept in days...but it is funny when you tell it. Maybe it's time enough for it to be funny to her now. I'll see....
I'm catching up. Poor Tom with the broken legs. Kinda sad actually. I wish I lived in the country (sans animals and children who produce chores) so that I could go outside in my underwear if I wanted. Not that I want to but I just wish I could! I'm so sorry you had to explain the birds and the bees of fowl to your mother. AND. Just think of all the bloggable moments you would have missed without the crazy LJ and your amazing and amusing offspring! What would you find to write about? The Gap?
ReplyDeleteYep, it's 2012 but motherhood is still motherhood. maybe that's a good thing?
ReplyDeleteOh. My. Gosh. This had me rolling!! I'm guessing you keep your weapons very safely locked up at all times to prevent Mr. Sassypants from getting awoken and going all nuts? Perhaps you (being the sane voice of reason at ALL TIMES, OBVIOUSLY!) should have like a back-up code you have to enter before he can operate any heavy machinery, weapons, ATV's or winches. Just a thought. :-)
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain with this post. I really think that it is unfair of the hospital to send you home with your new little bundle without an instruction book!
ReplyDeleteAh, the joys of parenthood!
ReplyDeleteThis is the second time I've read this story and it still had me rolling. Love it.
ReplyDeleteOh, he is still sportin' his favorite brand...........it just isn't JCrew, it is now Carhart !
ReplyDeleteHe gets his real highlights out in the sun .
His new dance of choice is climbing trees.
His new toy is a BULLDOZER.
He changed the fancy shoes for boots.
His new choice of pants are carhart ones.
He gets his tan out in the wilds of nature.
Instead of driving hours to shop , he now drives forever to work.
For vacation - he hunts.
For hunting he needs a truck to haul said 'kill'.
If you have a truck and hunt you must have country music.
Instead of ebay he cruises Craigslist free ads.
Your grandma's comment make have awakened the inner ' he-man ' in him . ; )
I am awaiting his list of how you have changed.
It will in no way top your list of extremes he has changed from /to.
that would be............ Your grandma's comment MAY have
ReplyDeleteSame story here with my first and second! My first was SOOO easy, my mom told me he was spoiling me. I had no clue what she meant until my second. He didn't sleep more than two hours at a time for six straight months, cried incessantly all night long. I remember nights of being so tired I just sobbed and sobbed. I've always said if I had had him first I never would have had another one! (Although that's probably not really true. ;) )
ReplyDelete