Weekend Update

Here are some fabulously thrilling things that have happened in our lives:

1)  Handsome Dude prefers to dress himself now.

Shirt on inside-out and mismatched shirt/pants.

Handsome Dude has become quite . . . particular.

If anything gets on his shirt or pants, he must change it immediately.

He runs upstairs, pulls about 25 items out of his closet, and finally settles on mismatched clothing that is usually too small for him.

2)  Are you wondering where Handsome Dude's glasses are?

So are we.

3)  If you are planning on ever potty-training a child of the male gender, please do not look to me for advice.

Clearly, I know not what I am doing.

But I have figured out what my number one problem was:

This toilet seat.

It was what I used while potty-training my girls.

Attention all clueless moms like me:  THIS DOES NOT WORK FOR BOYS.

It does not leave enough spray room for little boys.

Because of this seat, my boy would spray pee on himself.

Because of the pee on himself, my boy would freak out.

Because of the freak out, he would pee on his shirt.

Because of his pee shirt, he would cry and need it changed.

Because he needed his shirt changed, we would be late for school.

That seat is evil I tell you.

Now after my potty training posts, a few of commented that having my boy reverse gears and straddle the toilet would be a better way to go.

But, as I mentioned earlier, Handsome Dude has become particular, and any sort of change is quite traumatic for him.

So for two days, I worked on trying to get him to straddle the toilet and give up the evil toilet seat.

I am happy to report that he does now straddle the toilet and it does seem to work better, as it allows for more spray room.

I have found two kinks with the straddle method:

1)  I have discovered that taking clothes off of a little boy who waited too long to go can be tricky.

He is trying his hardest to hold everything in while I bend his legs and try to remove his pants.

For the most part, we have been successful, but Handsome Dude did wait a little too long the other day and poo poo started sprinkling out on my arm as I was trying to undress him.

And that is why Mother's Day was invented.

2)  Once Handsome Dude is on the toilet, and the pee pee starts coming, he gets excited and forgets to . . . um . . . . steer his little unit.

He's clapping and cheering, but he is not steering.

Now, when that thing is not being steered, the spray just goes rogue.

So, I say:  "Dude!  Dude!  Point it down!"

Then he tries to grab it, and he ends up overcorrecting and sprays his thighs and such.

Raise your hand if you are tired of hearing about potty training?

I promise to never mention it again in this post.

4)  I won a contest over at The Park Wife.

And guess what came in the mail:

An official Pioneer Woman shirt.

Should I keep it or give it away?

Thoughts?

The Lumberjack took that there photo of me.

He had to stop watching "Swamp Loggers" in order to take it.

That's how much he loves me.

What is Swamp Loggers?

 I don't know.

But apparently, it is an exciting show that involves caravans . . .

and something that is referred to as a lowboy.

100 (meaningless) points to anyone who can guess why we use closed captioning.

5)  I also won an award from Mindy over at the Suburban Life.

Interruption:  Has anyone else noticed just how many gals named "Mindy" are commenting on this blog as of late?  Apparently, I am very popular with the "Mindy" crowd.  If you know a Mindy, you should share this blog with her. 

Stop by Mindy's blog sometime and say "Holla!"

6)  It has come to my attention that my readers, all 9 of you, along with myself, do not truly know the meaning of the phrase "Holla."

There is a pretty good chance I am using it incorrectly.

But I know some of you are confused because one reader, who shall remain nameless, thought I was saying Holler!

No.

I am not hollering.

And another reader thought I was saying Hola!, as in the Spanish word for Hello.

No.

I am not bilingual.

According to some online source, Holla means: 

interj. 1. an exclamation of greeting. 2. an exclamation used to show excitement or enthusiasm. verb. 1. to call. 2. to summon

Mystery solved.

Adios.

7)  Thanks to MaryGene, I got my 30 day shred DVD working again.

Which is good news and bad news.

Good because I can now work out and hopefully lose 20 pounds in 30 days as Jillian promises.

Bad because that woman is evil and makes me do too many arm exercises, therefore rendering my arms useless for the remainder of the day.

Thanks, MaryGene!

Well.

That's all I have to say about that.

(Name that movie)

Don't forget to try to answer the Lumberjack's mystery question for your shot at $100 bucks.

28 Days

(Name the actress in that movie)

In approximately 28 days, my dashing Lumberjack and I will be driving the fab four to my parents house where we will be leaving them for 8 full and glorious days while we, my main man and I, hop on a plane and fly to Cancun.

No.

I am not kidding.

Yes.

I can't believe it either.

So, two days ago, when this post could have been renamed 30 days, I got a hankering to participate in this:

Now, I have never seen this so-called "Biggest Loser."

I don't know how Jillian Michael's is.

But, I'll tell you this:  I am not fond of her.

Why?

Because she makes my arms feel like Jell-O, that's why.

And who does push-ups anymore?

Honestly.

But I have committed to doing this each and every day until I leave for my fabulous and glorious kid-free, sun-filled trip.

Interruption:  I will most likely be heartbroken and missing my monsters by day three.  But days 1-2 should be fun.

Now, I am convinced that there is some mysterious, evil power attempting to thwart my fitness goals.

Allow me to explain:

1)  I wake up at 5:40 am to do this torturous video.  Yet, if I wake up that early, so does Little Dude.  He's cruel like that. Therefore, I must wait until nap time.

2)  Daisy Mae no longer naps.  So Daisy Mae, who is my BFF and extremely chatty,  will be joining me and Ms. Michael's.

3)  I put the DVD in the DVD player.  On this DVD, there are 3 different workout episodes.  So, if one were to want to pick one, one  would need to use a remote. 

Yes.

That might seem like a simple task.

But not for us.

Our remote has been missing since March 28, 2009.

Yes.

I am certain on that exact date.

So,  there is no way for me to choose a workout.

4)  Don't lose heart! 

I do not let that deter me.

I remember we have a laptop with a handy DVD playing function.

So, Daisy Mae and I  reverse gears and we switch to laptop mode.

5)  Our brand new laptop is irritating me.  The speakers only work when they choose to work.

Why?

I do not know.

And, no.

My volume was not muted.

I am smart enough to know that.

But that's  it.

I firmly believe that for $700, this computer should be at peak performance 100% of the time.

Guess when they decide to not work.

So, I get to stare at Jillian and attempt to read her lips as she shares with me vital information on how I will get the body of my dreams.

6)  While I am jumping all around and looking like a dork, Daisy Mae, is jumping around alongside me.  Since I am using weights, she feels she needs weights.

I don't have weights for my 5-year-old.

So I give her a can of green beans and a can of corn.

Daisy Mae is extremely uncoordinated and she almost throws the can of green beans at the laptop.

That would have been unfortunate.

Daisy Mae is also extremely chatty.

So, instead of Ms. Michael's helpful tips, I get to listen to Daisy Mae.

"Mom, do you want to look like her?"

"Mom, how do you look like her?"

"Mom, are you doing this cause you are so chubs?"

"Mom, I'm thirsty."

"Mom, I'm hungry."

Interruption:  I am hungry, too.  I am always in the mood to eat.

"Mom, I'm hot."

"Mom, can we watch something else?"

"Mom, is this how you are going to lose the tummy chubs?"

And as she says that, she begins to poke at my belly fat.

Ah, the joys of motherhood.

7)  I am now 11 exhausting minutes into this dreadful DVD when, it stops.

It just stops.

It's like it has a skip or something.

And when it corrects itself, it jumps to the end, so I am missing like 8 minutes of what I am sure is necessary calisthenics that will give me the body I deserve.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am now frustrated.

And still chubby.

So.

Here is my question.

Does anyone know how to repair a DVD?

Any home tricks?

Because I am on a timeline here.

And Jillian says right on the DVD cover that I could lose up to 20 pounds in 30 days.

And that is just amazing.

Help.

Uncles.

This is about the most action our elliptical trainer has seen in some time.

Uncles.

How fun are they?

Thanks, Jason.

You just disproved my theory that I cannot workout with children in my house.

I am now without excuse.

Look at these standards you have now set for me.

*sigh*

Check out how blurry our pictures are.

Clearly we have not yet mastered our new Nikon D40.

Clearly.

And, Jason.

What is with this look?

"I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking.  And I plan on finding out what that is."

Ok, everyone.

Name that movie/actor.

Don't let me down.

Muffin Tops.

My Auntie left the best comment ever on my post Question.

She wrote:

"What the heck’s a muffin top? Is it your hair? A crop top? A fungus?"

Now that made my day.

Let's examine my hair shall we?

What, pray tell, could be muffin-y about it?

100 (meaningless) points to whoever can explain to Auntie Datenut, and any other confused soul, what a muffin top is.

Also, all you 8-min abs peeps out there-consider this your check in.

Are you doing it?

I am.

But I still have ab flab.