28 Days

(Name the actress in that movie)

In approximately 28 days, my dashing Lumberjack and I will be driving the fab four to my parents house where we will be leaving them for 8 full and glorious days while we, my main man and I, hop on a plane and fly to Cancun.

No.

I am not kidding.

Yes.

I can't believe it either.

So, two days ago, when this post could have been renamed 30 days, I got a hankering to participate in this:

Now, I have never seen this so-called "Biggest Loser."

I don't know how Jillian Michael's is.

But, I'll tell you this:  I am not fond of her.

Why?

Because she makes my arms feel like Jell-O, that's why.

And who does push-ups anymore?

Honestly.

But I have committed to doing this each and every day until I leave for my fabulous and glorious kid-free, sun-filled trip.

Interruption:  I will most likely be heartbroken and missing my monsters by day three.  But days 1-2 should be fun.

Now, I am convinced that there is some mysterious, evil power attempting to thwart my fitness goals.

Allow me to explain:

1)  I wake up at 5:40 am to do this torturous video.  Yet, if I wake up that early, so does Little Dude.  He's cruel like that. Therefore, I must wait until nap time.

2)  Daisy Mae no longer naps.  So Daisy Mae, who is my BFF and extremely chatty,  will be joining me and Ms. Michael's.

3)  I put the DVD in the DVD player.  On this DVD, there are 3 different workout episodes.  So, if one were to want to pick one, one  would need to use a remote. 

Yes.

That might seem like a simple task.

But not for us.

Our remote has been missing since March 28, 2009.

Yes.

I am certain on that exact date.

So,  there is no way for me to choose a workout.

4)  Don't lose heart! 

I do not let that deter me.

I remember we have a laptop with a handy DVD playing function.

So, Daisy Mae and I  reverse gears and we switch to laptop mode.

5)  Our brand new laptop is irritating me.  The speakers only work when they choose to work.

Why?

I do not know.

And, no.

My volume was not muted.

I am smart enough to know that.

But that's  it.

I firmly believe that for $700, this computer should be at peak performance 100% of the time.

Guess when they decide to not work.

So, I get to stare at Jillian and attempt to read her lips as she shares with me vital information on how I will get the body of my dreams.

6)  While I am jumping all around and looking like a dork, Daisy Mae, is jumping around alongside me.  Since I am using weights, she feels she needs weights.

I don't have weights for my 5-year-old.

So I give her a can of green beans and a can of corn.

Daisy Mae is extremely uncoordinated and she almost throws the can of green beans at the laptop.

That would have been unfortunate.

Daisy Mae is also extremely chatty.

So, instead of Ms. Michael's helpful tips, I get to listen to Daisy Mae.

"Mom, do you want to look like her?"

"Mom, how do you look like her?"

"Mom, are you doing this cause you are so chubs?"

"Mom, I'm thirsty."

"Mom, I'm hungry."

Interruption:  I am hungry, too.  I am always in the mood to eat.

"Mom, I'm hot."

"Mom, can we watch something else?"

"Mom, is this how you are going to lose the tummy chubs?"

And as she says that, she begins to poke at my belly fat.

Ah, the joys of motherhood.

7)  I am now 11 exhausting minutes into this dreadful DVD when, it stops.

It just stops.

It's like it has a skip or something.

And when it corrects itself, it jumps to the end, so I am missing like 8 minutes of what I am sure is necessary calisthenics that will give me the body I deserve.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am now frustrated.

And still chubby.

So.

Here is my question.

Does anyone know how to repair a DVD?

Any home tricks?

Because I am on a timeline here.

And Jillian says right on the DVD cover that I could lose up to 20 pounds in 30 days.

And that is just amazing.

Help.