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Last year, on February 14th, we received a phone call from my Uncle Greg.
Uncle Greg was staying at my parent's house.
My parents were on a cruise.
The same cruise where this unfortunate photo was snapped:
But that is a story for another day.
"Hello, Taylor?"
"Yes."
"This is your Uncle Greg."
"Hi, Uncle Greg!"
"Is your husband there? I think the dog died."
Fact: All peoples from my bloodline do not do animal death.
We are also ignorant when it comes to routine household maintenance, extreme household maintenance, farming facts, hunting, and mechanics.
Honestly, the only reasons why we keep the Lumberjack around is for his knowledge and bravery in the areas of:
power tools
farm equipment
firearms
vehicle maintenance
basic veterinary skills
mice removal (gross)
bat removal (grosser)
hammers
nails
dirt
and burying dead pets.
I have already shared with you how the Lumberjack had to bury my parent's dog, Joey, not once, but twice.
Was that not the grossest story event out of all events in the history of time?
So, I find my fearless husband and hand him the phone.
"Ok. You are sure he's dead. Ok. Do you want me to come take care of it? Ok. I'll be there in 15 minutes."
This Valentine's Day was already off to a super romantic start.
And now, gentle readers, I present to you:
My Conversation with My Handsome Husband Regarding the Removal of my Childhood Dog's Body on that Romantic Valentine's Day
Interruption: Whenever I post past conversations, people always comment something like this,
"How do you remember these conversations word for word?"
And this is my response: I carry around a mini-tape recorder everywhere I go.
I am that dedicated to bringing you the facts.
LJ (short for Lumberjack! Keep up, will ya?): I gotta go
Me: What happened to Willy?
LJ: I don't know. But he's dead.
Me: Poor Willy.
LJ: OK. I'll be back in about an hour.
Me: Ok. What are you going to do?
LJ: I'm going to take care of it.
Me: Ok. But how?
LJ: Do you really want to know?
Me: Yes.
Interruption: That answer was both a lie and a mistake.
LJ: Fine. I'm going to take him to the dump.
*GASP!*
Me: You can't just take a dog to the dump!
LJ: Sure I can
Me: No. You can't.
LJ: Oh, stop it.
Me: People don't just take their dead animals to the dump. That is so wrong.
LJ: I have taken plenty of animals to the dump.
*GASP!*
Interruption: I am beginning to question my reasoning for marrying this man.
Me: What?!
LJ: Taylor, stop it. Do you know how many sheep I have taken to the dump?
Interruption: Sheep? Who is this man? He's actually seen a live (or not-so-alive, but real) sheep before?
Me: You take sheep to the dump?
Fact: The Lumberjack is getting quite frustrated with me at this point.
Fact: The Lumberjack's Wife did some fact checking. It is perfectly legal to dispose of animals at the dump.
Fact: Gross. Sad. Gross.
LJ: Ok. What do you want me to do with Willy?
Me: Can't you take him to the vet?
LJ: And what do you think the vet is going to do with him?
Me: I don't know . . . properly dispose of him?
LJ: No. Take him to the dump. But then you have to pay the vet to do that. Whereas I will just do it for free.
My whole world is crashing all around me. The vet takes animals to the dump?
When will the madness end?
Me: Please don't take him to the dump.
LJ: What do you want me to do? Let him rot in your parents house until they come home?
Me: Please don't say he's going to rot.
LJ: But he will. This is life.
Me: This is so wrong. Just bury him.
LJ: Um . . . how about you bury him.
Uh-oh. He's getting sassy now, folks. Watch out!
Me: Please. You know I am not strong like you.
When in doubt, just start flirting.
That's my motto.
LJ: LOOK OUTSIDE.
Fact: We were in the middle of one of the worst winters known to man. Tons and tons and tons of snow and freezing temperatures. There is no way we would be finding this "so-called" ground.
Me: Fine. I just don't want to know anymore.
LJ: OK. So, I am going and I will be back in about an hour.
Me: Ok. Don't forget to wash your hands!
LJ: (rolling eyes) Whatever, Taylor.
LJ: Handsome Dude! Want to go on a truck ride?
Me: What?! You cannot take our almost 2-year-old with you!
LJ: Why not?
Me: I don't want him to see you throw a dog away.
LJ: It's time he learned the facts of life.
Me: Are you sure he can handle that?
LJ: I gotta go.
Me: This is the worst Valentine's Day ever.
LJ: Can I go now?
Me: Fine. Whatever. Throw away my dog on Valentine's Day. Sounds great.
LJ: OK. See you later.
And that concludes the retelling of Valentine's Day 2009.
The End.
Oh how sad... poor dog, I agree, I could NEVER take a dog to the dump!
ReplyDeleteSilly lumberjack, don't you know by now she only thinks she wants to know :) lie lumberjack, lie! :)
ReplyDeletethe circle of life. my kids had a lot of questions like that when our dog's leg had to be removed, as in "what does the doctor do with the leg?". i have no clue but LJ seems to be in the know. what else would you do with a dog in the middle of winter?? i have never thought of that before! hope this year will be a little more romantic!! :-)
ReplyDeleteTaylor, as one who lived thru this horrific experience as your parents were off cruising the oceans of the world, all I can sat was when I got up on that fateful morning Willy was alive (not by much though) @ weeks prior to his demise, Willy was his lively self running up and down the stairs. 3 days prior do his demise, I had to carry him up those same steps...He wend fast!! Anyway on thar fateful morning I gor up checked on him, and when I left for Work 30 - 40 min later he was gone, and upon instructions from your mom and dad I placed that call to the lumberjack. Hence I accept all blame for the dismal start to your valentines day, as it was I who placed the call and got the wheels in motion......Sorry :-(
ReplyDeleteWhy do men think we want the truth in a situation like that? We say yes we want to know but what that means is make up something hearts and flower like.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping you just get some chocolate this year.
My husband is a lot like Lumberjack. He brought knowledge of power tools, dangerous sports and disposing of dead animals to our family. However, we've been married for almost 24 years (I was a child bride, but that's another story), and he knows how to phrase things for me. My cat died last September. We knew she was going, and it was just a matter of time. Indiana Jones (my husband) called me at work to let me know that she had gone, and that he had taken care of her. He told me he buried her in the backyard. I am accepting that as truth, although she could have been taken to the dump for all I know. I've learned not to ask too many questions. Hope this year is better for you!
ReplyDeleteoh, sadddd...my childhood dog died last year and we buried her in my parents' backyard. :( but thank goodness no other dog dug her back up! I had to go read the Cinnamon story to keep up!
ReplyDeleteOh so sad. My poor husband has had to bury more critters on our farm....our old mare, goats, sheep, birds, dogs, cats......
ReplyDeleteI am sure they would have gone to the dump if it wasn't for my boohooing and promises of .... well, I will leave it at that.
Poor Uncle Greg.
ReplyDeleteYes the story about your dogs digging up pore ole Joey is the best story of all time. Now that I think about it, I wonder where Dad put all our deceased pets, because we had so many over the years. I have no idea, it was never brought up. I do know that mean, mischievous, ill-tempered monkey got taken to the "retirement home for monkeys" to live out his days. Hmmm???
ReplyDeleteI suppose we could say that it's romantic of LJ to take care of these things for you?
ReplyDeletewow, that is romantic!! NOT!! lol men just have no clue..well, sometimes they do, but not very often!! :)
ReplyDeleteYour husband is so N. Idaho- and hilarious! Sounds about as romantic as our Valentine's Days... you will have to read my post today :)
ReplyDeleteWell I guess this year's holiday can only get better??
ReplyDeleteYour husband is so much like mine it scares me...
ReplyDeleteYeah, I have a don't ask policy myself. But that doesn't stop him from telling me.
ReplyDeleteFortunately here we have lots of acreage and plenty of coyotes to clean up what makes it to the boneyard. (as far as the cows go anyway) So far our only pet, Matilda the cat, is doing well.
Awwww. Now that's just sad. I sure hope this Valentine's Day is much better. And filled with chocolate. :)
ReplyDeleteYou. Are. Hilarious.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, I think our husbands are long lost brothers, and oh my, you and I are on the same wavelength girl!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh, and I hoped over to see your bat story, YUCK! How did we end up in these lives?
How sad!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness.... I agree with you, you can't take a doggy to the dump....and on Valentine's Day....Hope this year is better for ya....
ReplyDeleteHave a Happy Friday
Summer :0)
The dump? Next you're going to tell me that all my childhood pets did not, in fact, go to "the farm." Lordy be. I wasn't prepared for this.
ReplyDeleteMindy
www.thesuburbanlife.com
That is indeed the worst Vday ever! Geez, I get all upset and sobby just thinking about my dog dying :) But this year - I'm looking forward to one of the best valentine weekends ever - baby free! Whoo-hoo!
ReplyDeletewww.dixondialogue.com
Awww- Sad about losing your dog!
ReplyDelete(But you are very funny!!)
Yep- that does sound like the 'worst valentine's day ever'!!! Hoping for a better one for this year! :)
Your hubby is the best. Our dog died and I sat around blubbering like a baby while my dear hubby dug a 5 foot deep hole in our yard.
ReplyDeleteGood times.
;)
Hope that this V-Day is great!
ReplyDeleteOk, that story was too funny! I was shocked, who knew you could throw away an animal at the dump!?! I sure didn't....but I laughed anyway.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness! I laughed, I cried, I learned.
ReplyDeleteI hope this V day is a little more romantic!
Cxx
[...] High-Five, Good Buddy! Jump to Comments On Thursday, I wrote a post called, “Last Valentine’s Day.” [...]
ReplyDeleteHow sad! The dump? My first thought was "oh no, is that legal?" So, I was relieved that you had done some checking. Wouldn't want you to be incriminating your husband :)
ReplyDeleteMy cat is missing right now, he's been gone since Wednesday. He is our baby. My kids are heartbroken :( Lots of tears...guess they are learning the facts of life....
OMW, what a crack up!! We bury hamsters around here. :)
ReplyDelete