So, we have a problem with Little Dude. I fear he wants to be a farmer. He was looking in a Country Life Magazine the other day, and noticed the photos of pigs. So, now, all we hear is:
"Mom, we need pigs!"
"Dad! Are we getting a pig today?"
And with that encouragement folks, I bet you my husband will get a pig come fall. And, yes. I just said "Come fall." Because I am too far gone, that's why. I know we will get the pig-my husband has "that look" in his eye. Because that is exactly what we need. A pig. But, wait! It gets better! He says we need TWO pigs, because animals don't do well on their own.
Yay.
So, Little Dude, is quite the little Farmer. He is terrible at it, but he likes to think he has what it takes.
First of all, farmers usually wear pants when checking on the stock.
Secondly, most farmers don't sit in the coop with the chickens and become one with the chickens.
Thirdly, most farmers are smart enough to not let all the chickens out. Of which Little Dude does. Repeatedly.
"But, Mooooom! I was just checking for eggs and the chickens left!"
"But, Mooooom! I just forgot to close the door!"
On Wednesday, I had all the kids watching a movie. I went to check on them and from the window, I see Little Dude chasing chickens in the yard with his father's fishing net.
Chickens! Chickens everywhere!
I would have taken more pictures, but this was an emergency folks. I think that 90% of the chickens were out. So I sent Farmer Boy inside and the other three and I worked on getting the chickens back inside. This took about 45 minutes.
Even the rooster was out. Think about every single cartoon rooster or rooster character in a children's book.
It's all true.
Roosters think they are all that. And a bag of chips.
As we are herding the chickens back to safety, the girls and I begin to discuss how it seems like we have a lot of chickens. I mean, I knew we had about 33, give or take a few, but this seemed a bit much.
So, later that night, this was the convo I had with my husband.
(Convo is short for conversation. Keep up, people!)
Before you read this, you must understand that my husband leaves for work everyday by 5:30 to 6 am and I never know when he will come home. He leaves home with a wallet and a phone that has a Craigslist app. That Craigslist app is nothing but trouble. So, since I don't ever expect him home at a certain time, I would never notice if he was, you know, chicken shopping after work. Like most husbands do.
Me: Have you been bringing home chickens without me knowing?
David (laughing and switching his awesome, high-pitched voice): What?! What are you talking about?!
The high pitched voice is all I need to confirm my fears that my husband is living a second life.
Me: Well, it looks like we have more than 33 chickens out there.
David (laughing hysterically): I was wondering how long it would take you to figure that out!
Me: Ok. So how many do we have now?
David: I have NO idea.
Me: How many times have you brought home chickens without me knowing?
David: A lot.
Me: Do you carry around a cage with you or something?
David: No!
Me: Well, how do you get the chickens home?
David: A box.
Me: Aren't you worried about them flying around while you are trying to drive?
David (laughing at my ignorance): No, Teller. I put a lid on it.
Yes. He sometimes calls me Teller in jest. He finds himself to be funny.
Me: Ok, well just try and think. How many more chickens have you brought home?
David: Well, I got those ones for free.
Me: Right, I knew about those.
David: And then I bought 9 more.
Me: Those are the ones I knew about, right?
David: I think so. And then I got, um, I think 8 from some lady a couple of weeks ago.
Me: Ok.
David: And then I got 15 more one night.
Me: FIFTEEN?
David: What, Teller?
Me: What is WRONG with you? Are you telling me that we have around 55 chickens right now?
David: Maybe? I am trying to remember if there were more.
So, now, dear readers. You can see why I am a bit nervous about his newest dream:
Pigs.
Luckily, I don't think someone can sneak a pig home all that easily.
Or can they?
That David. I best be getting a pretty good birthday present this year.
Happy Friday!
Wow! And I thought I had problems 'cause my husband tends to do gift shopping from Cabelas. (Clearance Cabelas, to be precise!) At least he doesn't gift me with livestock!
ReplyDeleteBTW, this whole farming without pants thing? Maybe LD is going to start a trend.
Come on, by now you KNOW what kind of a birthday present you are getting this year: something that will help you deal with the chickens and the future pigs. I wonder what that will be?
ReplyDeleteMaybe a spring loaded gate to the chicken yard so the gate swings shut automatically?
Perhaps a large bucket for kitchen compost that you will use to feed the pigs? And a wagon to put it on to carry out to the pigpen, so that little kids can feed the pigs too.
Tune in next week for the continnnuuuuiiiing Saga of (drumroll) The Lumberjack's Wife!!
I think you should have your website play the Green Acres theme song when you bring it up. And when, I mean IF, you get pigs . . . the first one should be named "Arnold." Maybe you could walk around talking like ZsaZsa Gabor too? : )
ReplyDeleteBetter it be 'chicken' shopping than 'chick' shopping...like most husbands do! Haha, you are funny.
ReplyDeleteHate to tell you that they would've gone home in the evening without you chasing them! But..then I would'nt of got to read your hilarious story!
ReplyDeleteYah, Teller , Happy Birthday this year ...........more livestock !
ReplyDeleteLD is practicing his chicken whisperer job. :)
Yes, they will go back in at night. Honest.
Poor rooster ! All that protecting to do.
I know the chickens will come in, bit we have two dogs who like to eat the chickens, plus we were heading to town that night and would get home really late. :)
ReplyDeleteI used to think that maybe you'd get your old life back a few years down the road. But I think you're in too deep.
ReplyDeleteSay goodbye forever to the city, Teller.
Surprise chickens are pretty much my greatest fear! Maybe being single is not so bad after all...
ReplyDeleteYou totally need the pigs. Have you ever had real, high-quality bacon?! It is so worth it.
ReplyDeleteI would totally have pigs if my farmer husband would let me, but he won't. One day, when we have a whole bunch of kids running around we will hopefully live your life. :)
if i were you, i would tell the hubs that you take care of the children...he takes care of the animals...PERIOD!
ReplyDeleteUmmm...even though I find your tales of farming woe hilarious, I will have to second Sandy; whatever livestock the Lumberjack brings home ought to be HIS responsibility! Especially if he's is sneaking them in under the wifely radar!
ReplyDeleteA padlock for the chicken pen (key on chain around your neck or wrist) would be VERY helpful.
And maybe you ought to start calling your husband Old McDonald.
I thought you already had a pig... That you ate. Or was it a pig that someone ran over on the road?
ReplyDeleteWhen is David going to tunnel into some hill and make you live in a Sod Hut, that's what I want to know. It's just a matter of time.
ReplyDeleteYou may as well go Vegan right now. The list of stuff you can't stomach is going to get longer, I can tell.
It is nice of David to bring all these animals home and then get up and leave at 6:30 in the morning to leave them all for you to take care of (round up). Girl you have your hands full!! Pig are smelly critters - I'm afraid I'd have to put my foot down!!
ReplyDeletePigs! Oh my! Your children will fall in love with the pigs and not want to eat them, you know. I'm just guessing here...I have no livestock experience-based knowledge. Just from Little House on the Prairie books. They used the bladder as a ball. I'd make The Lumberjack blow it up, though...no way I'm touching a pig's bladder. (It's altogether likely that there are products I use every day that are made from such things, but I don't know it. Very different scenario.) (I could easily live in a bubble.)
ReplyDeleteThat's a lot of chickens! You could open a KFC!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure there will be pigs goon and can't wait to see what happens there:)
ReplyDeleteAre you getting 55 eggs a day? If so, where are you storing them? That's a lot of omelettes and angel food cake !
ReplyDeleteYou are going to have to get an 'egg route' where you go around the country to deliver eggs you sell. Or sell from the house and have 'life interrupted' all the time. It might sound like fun......it's not.
I know LJ is going to deliver on his way to and from work and at work.........you will never see him.
That homeschooling plan is going to go south fast.
My uncle down the road from where I grew up had pigs. They did not smell pleasant (let's just leave it at that!).
ReplyDeleteGood luck! :)
Hahahahaaaa.
ReplyDeleteHe is sneaking chickens home. I love this!
Oh, my. I can't stop laughing.
hey. those are really good ideas.
ReplyDelete