(This blog has moved and is now located at http://www.thelumberjackswife.com)
The following post will be brought to you picture less.
For I have none.
***
Wednesday Night
On Wednesday night, I got my haircut. I told you all this on Wednesday morning and none of you seemed to notice. Therefore, I will not show you a picture of the new me. For all you know, I am now sporting a mullet.
And
You
Can't
See.
While getting my haircut, I pleaded with my darling hairdresser-friend to please wax my eyebrows, seeing as how I have not had time to maintain the beasts since our move.
She did. And that was that.
After the haircut, I went to the grocery store to get some items to make some pies.
Yes, that's right.
Pies.
We were attending dinner at our friends' house and I was in charge of dessert.
And who doesn't like pie?
As I am checking out, the Checker Man stops what he is doing and gasps, "What happened to your eyes?!"
Me: Nothing.
Checker Man: Oh.
*awkward silence*
Checker Man: So, Sweetie, are you expecting company? Look at all this fresh fruit! Bananas! Strawberries!
Me: Oh, I am just making some pies.
Checker Man: Get out! Do you mean to tell me there is a modern lady out there who actually cooks? You are amazing. Most women would just buy frozen pies!
Hmmm . . .
1. Can we not agree he was weird?
2. This was my first sign that I was not destined to make pies.
3. When I got in the car, I looked at my eyes. It looked like someone beat me. I think my sensitive-accutane skin did not appreciate the hot wax/ripping paper combo.
Thursday
In order to get to the dinner on time, I needed to leave my house by 3:30. You see, we live out in the middle of NOWHERE, and I had to pick up my handsome Lumberjack, plus we had to run some errands before going to dinner.
So . . . 3:30 was my departure time.
I pulled my 2 refrigerated pie crusts out of the fridge.
Fact: Lumberjill cannot make her own pie crusts.
I get one into the pie pan, but the other rips. So, I smoosh it all into a ball and try to roll it out. It is not happening. Finally I get the crust to kind of spread around the pie pan and pop them into the oven.
One works. One completely fails.
Who messes up refrigerated pie crust?
Apparently, me.
This, my friends is a problem. I must make 2 pies, for then I won't have enough. I don't live close enough to a store, plus my boys are napping.
And Mommy Rule #1: Don't interrupt naptime!
So, I had an epiphany.
I am 29, for the love of Pete. It is time I made a stupid pie crust. I start making the pudding for the chocolate cream pie and trying to find the recipe for a pie crust.
Here are all the events that happened in the course of about 20 minutes:
1) My boys got out of bed and were playing the piano.
2) I found a recipe for Pioneer Woman pie crust. But I was out of vinegar. Who is ever out of vinegar? Honestly.
3) I discovered I had been reading the wrong recipe for pie filling and had been creating banana cream instead of chocolate cream.
4) This is a problem because the other pie I was making was Fresh Strawberry and one of the people eating tonight does not eat bananas or strawberries.
5) Guess who is now making 3 pies?
6) Who makes 3 pies? Excessive, is it not?
7) The boys have gotten out of bed and are now playing puzzles.
8) I find a recipe in the Better Homes and Gardens cookbook for "Easy Oil Pastry" Easy! I like it!
9) It was a hideous excuse for a pie crust.
10) I am sweating. It is like 90 degrees and the oven has been at 450 for like ever now because I keep messing up pie crusts.
11) Threaten my boys again.
12) Summon my girls to come help me. I start Sweet Pea on slicing 4 pounds of strawberries and put Daisy Mae in charge of stirring the pie filling on the stove.
13) As I am separating the eggs, I kept getting confused and dumping the whites with the yolks and the yolks with the whites.
Oh, the humanity!
Throughout all of this, I just keep laughing and saying, "Mommy is so stupid!"
Finally, I manage to make two pie crusts that somewhat resemble pie crust. True, they do not reach the entire perimeter of the pie plate. True, there are holes int he bottoms from stretching. True, they look awful.
But can they contain a pie?
Yes. Yes, they can.
3pm. My sister calls.
Meagan: What's up?
Me: Oh, I am just having pie drama.
Meagan: Pie drama? You make pie?
Me: Nope! Sure don't. It's not like its "my specialty." It's not like anyone cares if I bring pie. But I decided to make pie today.
Meagan: What kind?
Me: Chocolate Cream, Banana Cream, and Fresh Strawberry
Meagan: Dude. Why so many?
Me: I don't know! It's been a stressful day!
Meagan: I am sure no one would care if you picked up a pie from the store.
Me: I know, I know. I got to go.
It is now 3:30, my boys never went to bed, I am covered in flour, cornstarch, and berry jiz, and I have yet to figure out how I am transporting the pies that must chill for 3-6 hours.
I am brilliant, am I not?
I try to find the cooler. It is nowhere to be found. I call my husband. It is in the back of the camp trailer and I don't know how to open the back of the trailer.
He has to talk me through it.
I try to find ice.
My husband, unbeknownst to me, used all the ice this morning for his lunch cooler.
I try to find things to transport these stupid pies.
I used a cake carrier, a canning pot, and a frying pan.
It is now 4:15. I look afright.
I take off my shorts and put on a jean skirt.
Feels too tight, which reminds me that I am supposed to be actually following Weight Watchers. Next, I put on some capris. They are funky at the bottom and need to be ironed.
There is no time for ironing!
So, I put the shorts back on and give each of my girls a wet washcloth and instruct them to "Wash Mommy."
As Sweet Pea is scrubbing my bum, she looks at me and says, "Mommy? Why didn't you just make cookies?"
***
Seriously.
Did it have to be that hard? We were 1 hour later than we originally planned.
So here is your mission if you choose to accept it:
TELL ME HOW TO MAKE A DECENT BLEEPITY-BLEEP PIE CRUST!
I apologize. I don't really ever say anything bleepity-bleep. But, seriously.
Seriously.
Yesterday.
Yesterday was a day.
Sorry your day sort of tanked. Remember how this was going to be the summer of me learning to cook. Well, not so much. You're at least a step ahead of me. I've never even made a pie, much less three.
ReplyDeleteI hate making pie crust... I am always really, really impressed by people who can... I keep like six boxes of ready made pie crust in my freezer at all times...
ReplyDeleteWe got fresh blueberries yesterday so one of those puppies is defrosting right now...
I have no idea how to make a pie crust. But I do hope that today will be easier on you. :)
ReplyDeleteMarla @ www.asthefarmturns.wordpress.com
You poor thing! What a day! I have a great pie crust recipe, I will send it to you later!
ReplyDeleteAnd we do so want to see the hair cut!
I want to see the haircut. I can see why you didn't have time for pictures yesterday. Right after I had my eyebrows waxed my husband asked me what was wrong with my eyes. He said they were swollen and thought I might be allergic to something. I did not enlighten him.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, you have children. No one expects you to be ironed. (That's what I tell myself.)
Pie crusts? Sorry. I bring a bag of ice as my contribution for every get together. It's the only way I don't get complaints.
Lol! I think you need to try again when you have more time. I'm sure you could make some good pies then.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a rough day. Did the pies taste good at least? Because you know that is the most important thing.
ReplyDeletePie Crust? I buy a container of Crisco shortening, then follow the recipe on the container. As long as I chill the pastry for about 30 min before rolling it out, don't touch it too much (makes the pastry tough), it turns out wonderful and flaky.
ReplyDeleteYou must be a middle child.
ReplyDeleteSo difficult.
Now show us your mullet.
My stomach hurts a little, because I feel like I lived your day after reading about it. I could have, you know.
ReplyDeleteI love the pie crust recipe I use, because it's flaky, delish and I don't have problems with it falling apart. Practice it on a day you don't have to take a pie to someone else's house. ;) It makes 2 crusts.
2 c. flour
2/3 c. + 2 TB shortening
1 tsp. salt
1/4 c. ice cold (important!) water
Stir together the flour & salt and blend in shortening with a pastry blender (or 2 knives if you don't own one) to the size of peas. Add water 2 tsp. at a time, blending with a large fork, just until the dough holds together. Make a ball out of dough and divide in half; roll out on floured surface.
(Hint: After rolling out each portion, I gently fold it in half before placing it in the pie plate/on top of the pie. It helps to keep it intact.)
The key to texture is to not "overhandle" it, so do the least amount of mixing & rolling possible. But don't be scared. Pie crusts can sense fear.
The only thing I know about pie crust is:
ReplyDelete1) buy the storebought kind, unroll on a cookie sheet
2) dump on a bunch of sugar with cinnamon
3) bake
4) eat for dinner
Ta Da! Problem Solved!
This is my mom's tried and true recipe:
ReplyDeleteNo-Roll Pie Crust
1 1/2 c flour
1 1/2 tsp sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 c canola oil
2 T milk
Mix flour, sugar, and salt together right in the pie pan you are planning on using.
In a seperate bowl, beat (by hand with a fork works fine) the oil and milk together.
Dump the wet into the dry. Yes, straight into the pan.
Use a fork to mix it all together.
Use your fingertips to press it out flat and up the sides.
Bake 12-15 minutes at 375 (watch it, some ovens take less time).
It has never failed me. You don't have to roll it, and you can let the girlies do all the work.
PS I want to see the hair cut.
I consider myself to be a pretty decent baker and I can't make a decent pie crust. Yet I keep trying. It would seem I am stupid too.
ReplyDeleteThank you and I thought I had a stressful day! Tears are now streaming down my face, I will never again look at pie and not think of you. I am sure the pies turned out most fabulous, just like the new haircut. Happy Friday.
ReplyDeletetoo funny. Now, I have to go get ready for a party that begins in 3 hours that I'm COMPLETELY unprepared for.
ReplyDeleteI always go to allrecipes.com to get recipes. Don't think I have ever made a pie. I am sure the haircut is fabulous though if you are sporting a mullet will you pretty please post a picture?
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing it was a good thing I ended up canceling on you yesterday! :P
ReplyDeleteSo I'm pretty sure you could make a mullet look good. Pretty girl that you are.
ReplyDeleteNever made a pie crust before but the Farm Chicks blog just had a recipe that I was going to try. Of course, now you have scared me a little bit. So, maybe I won't.
Girl, I can bake just about anything, including many different kinds of cheesecake. Can I make a pie crust? I submit to you that I cannot. All hail the pre-made pie crust.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure your pies were just fine. Who looks at the crust anyway? It's all about the filling. ;)
ACK! You're posts are giving me heartburn. How do you do it? HOW?
ReplyDeleteI think pie crust is overrated. Just buy if for gosh sakes. I have heard though, that you must use cristco. Who has that in their home? People who aren't on weight watchers that's who.
I hope you recover from this day. You may need therapy.
JIZ!
ReplyDeleteHOLLA!
It helps if you understand what is happening when you make pie crust, before you try to do it.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.thekitchn.com/thekitchn/food-science/food-science-the-anatomy-of-a-pie-crust-068486
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ujc0XJIJitI
Who has crisco in their homes? People like me who make too many piecrusts and tarts I guess! Ooops! I also use it to grease baking pans before I make muffins or cakes. And sometimes in cookies...
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love you story today! I can actually picture your entire day! Thank you!!!
ReplyDeleteSo, you know, my blueberry pie DID get a blue ribbon at the fair last year......we could talk. But I am one of those really annoying people who chooses difficult recipes because they are truely better than most simple-throw-it-together recipes. So you make not like mine. But it's worth it!!
ReplyDeleteAlso, your afternoon sounded horrible! Stressed me out just to read it! SO glad it wasn't me! :) Love ya......... ;)
That was exhausting! :)
ReplyDeleteI know! But do you feel like it's less of a mystery? I hope so...watching Alton Brown is like watching squirrels on crack...
ReplyDeleteThis is what I've seen Jamie Oliver do. Whatever pie crust recipe you choose and like, use it. Then, after it's all mixed up, roll it into a log and wrap it up and put it in your fridge for a few hours. Now, I realize on this particular day a few hours were not to be had. I'm just saying. Then, when the pie log is firm, you slice it into 1/4 slices and kind of mush it into the bottom of your pan until it's covered and somewhat even.
ReplyDeleteAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnnnnnddddd there you have it.
Oh, and by the way, who uses vinegar in pie crust???
Teach me, Sweet Sugar Pants!
ReplyDeleteApparently, The Pioneer Woman! ;)
ReplyDeleteYes . . . it was very interesting!
ReplyDeleteAs you wish!! It shall be done!
ReplyDeleteLadies, ladies... they make pie crusts that are in the freezer in their precious little tins already. Use them!
ReplyDeleteI'm a southern girl and way older than you and I do not.. repeat.. do not, make pie crust.
Pretend I'm your momma and told you to knock that stuff off. Buy the frozen ones.
What a day! I was stressed just reading it.
ReplyDeleteSo the big question is how did the pies taste?? I am sure they were delicious :)
I would love to see a picture of the haircut. The checker does sound a bit odd. I hear ya on the eyebrow thing. It can be bad even without the added sensitive accutane skin. It always amazes me what strangers will say...
For now you know why I am always put in charge of bringing PRE-MADE dinner rolls, and ALREADY MADE juice for I would surely goof anything else up too. Hence the reason I am often times BANNED, yes all out BANNED from doing anything in the kitchen beyond making a pb&j ;) Happy baking? er pie making!
ReplyDeleteOh heavens, pie crust! There's nothing better when it's good and awful when it isn't. I have me three little blogs. One for my online cake baking group. One for my teaching reading, which is actually the ONLY thing I'm good at, and one called Almond Cream Pie which was my late mom's specialty. My brother and I prayed at least one of the bridge ladies was on a diet so we could have the leftover. It's in the old Betty Crocker Cookbook. And so I named that blog with the intention of joining You Want Pies With That bake along. But I haven't made one pie. Still, I hope and just discovered this tip from Simply Recipes.http://simplyrecipes.com/recipes/fig_galette/ She had a bunch of good pie recipes. And this week, my online French Fridays with Doris is making a tart. Pretty sure that involves Pie Dough!
ReplyDeleteComing over from Ree's Pioneer Woman blog where someone mentioned your blog.
ReplyDeleteSo glad I read your pie crust post. Sorry it was so hectic for you but kudos to you for even trying 'cause tons of us just buy our pie crusts! I bet when it is a slower and quieter time in your kitchen that you will become a professional pie crust maker!
I was having a rough day and your post was just what I needed to chase away my blues! You are too funny! I will be back for sure.
Hugs!
Helen
This was fun! Pie crust scares a lot of people, but the thing is just don't expect to get it right the first time. It's one of those things that takes most people several tries before they really get it. But once you get, you've got it! Come on over and read my posts about pies, cobblers and pie crusts. Gather up enough of the ingredients to make three separate batches. Then on a cool and quiet day--no plans or obligations, the phone unplugged, kids with a babysitter!--make the recipe, make it again, make it a third time. You can do it! I couldn't have made a mud pie on that hot day with all that commotion you were dealing with!
ReplyDeleteHoney child, I'm a whole bunch older than you and just this year did I tackle making pie crusts!!! Now, hubby gets a pie once in a while. So you done good (even though some of us are rather late to the comment party)!!
ReplyDeleteI just made a pie using a frozen crust. my trick is to let the crust thaw in the pan, then I re-crimp the edges so they look homemade. brilliant?! and that no roll crust posted up above looks interesting. I'll be trying that one.
ReplyDeleteI, too, stumbled over here from The Pioneer Woman. Just make PW's crust. It's easy and truly the best crust I have ever had! (Don't tell my grandma!) The only difficulty with it (besides having the ingredients on hand, lol) is that you have to be patient and put it in the freezer, but the recipe makes three crusts so you can have some on hand for the next time you need...or just make an insane amount of pies next time. :)
ReplyDeleteI love to bake, but pie crusts have always been WAY beyond my ability to perfect - until I found this recipe for hot water pie crust. http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Hot-Water-Pie-Crust-II/Detail.aspx I LOVE IT!!! It's so very easy to make (be sure to keep stirring the wet ingredients until they all-of-a-sudden go creamy) - has a wonderful texture, rolls out easy, and tastes great! Best of all - doesn't seem to matter what kind of fat one uses. :) I've "fourthed" it for a single crust with no problems. FYI: vinegar in pie crust inhibits formation of gluten, so crust stays flakey and tender. Corn starch contributes to the flaky, tenderness.
ReplyDelete