A Weekend Story for You.

Welcome to everyone from Kelly's Korner!

I don't have any personal collections myself, but this is a story about an unwelcome collection of my husband's.

Read through it all and it will make sense.

This is just to make you smile, as it would not be considered a true collection.

Happy Friday!

***

 

The year was 2002.

The time was 7am.

I was about 7 weeks pregnant with my first child.  I woke up sick, as usual.

I was young.  I was new to this whole "pregnancy" thing.  I honestly had no idea what I was doing.  I was already going against the advice I had gotten from others:

1)  Don't drink caffeine. (I had about a cup of coffee a day)

2)  Don't gain more than 3-5 pounds in the first trimester. (I already gained 10 pounds.  It was sad, really.)

3)  Don't stand by microwaves. (Seriously.  Is that one for real?)

4)  Don't tell anyone you are pregnant until you are at least 12 weeks along. (I told everyone and their mothers within 15 seconds of taking the pregnancy test.)

The Lumberjack had already woken up and left for work.

I was all alone.

I went to the bathroom.

As I turned to flush, I noticed something foreign floating in the water.

As I stared at it, tears filled my eyes, and I knew instantly what it was:  my baby.

I was devastated.

And mad.

Mad at myself for drinking caffeine.  Mad at myself for eating too much.  Mad at myself for microwaving popcorn. And mad at myself for telling people.

But mostly, I was truly devastated.

I stared and stared at it, horrified at how easy it was to just lose a baby.

I knew a girl who had a miscarriage a few months before that.  The doctor had told her to bring the baby in so they could look at it.  So, I figured my doctor would want to look at mine.  I took a clear, plastic cup and fished it out of the toilet.

Then, I sat it on the counter.

And I stared at it.

I called my mom.

Mom:  Hi!

Me:  I lost the baby.

Mom:  What?  How?

Me:  (crying) I don't know.  It just came out.  In the toilet.

Mom:  Are you sure it was the baby?

Me:  Well, what else could come out of me?  Something came out of me.  Something was in the toilet.

Mom:  Call the doctor.

Me:  I did, but they aren't open yet.  I have to wait until 9am.

Mom:  Ok.  Call the doctor at 9am and then call me.

The time dragged on.  I stared at the little object, trying to make out what I was seeing.  At one angle, I was sure I saw a spinal cord.

Finally, the time came to call the doctor's office.

The receptionist put me through to a nurse right away.

Me:  I think I had a miscarriage.

Nurse:  I'm sorry, hon.  Tell me what happened.

Me:  Well, I woke up this morning and I went to the bathroom.  And after I went, I saw it floating in the toilet.

Nurse: Hmmm . . . ok.  Is this your first pregnancy?

Me:  Yes.

Nurse: Ok. Can you describe "it" to me?

Me:  Sure.  It is bluish-gray.  And it is kind of fuzzy, almost like lint or something.

Nurse:  Interesting.  Sweetie, do you think what you saw in the toilet could actually be lint?

Me:  Well, I don't think so.  Do people normally pee out lint?

Seriously.  This nurse is insane.

Nurse:  *sigh* No, hon.  Sweetie, are you in any kind of pain?

Me:  Nope.  I just feel nauseous.

Nurse:  Bleeding or cramping?

Me:  No.

Nurse: Ok, hon.  Why don't you just call us back if any more comes out of you?

Ok, I am certain I hear a chuckle in her voice.  She is making me very angry. 

Me:  You don't need to check me out or anything?

Nurse:  No, hon.  I think you are fine.  Just call us in a bit.

I stare at the object and cry and sob.

I am mad at that nurse for not believing me.

I am mad that she was laughing at me.

And now, I am quite perplexed because the object has slightly disintegrated in the yellowish water and become two objects.

I guess it does kind of look like lint.

But how could that be?

And then . . . it hit me.

The Lumberjack.

Everyday, when he wakes up, he has a huge wad of belly button lint.

Everyday.

Without fail.

Gross.

100 (meaningless) points to anyone who can tell me why.

I have never in my life had any bit of belly button lint.

I decide it is time to give my husband a call.

You might be wondering why I haven't called him yet, seeing as how I fear I have just lost my baby.

My husband does NOT like phone calls and he does NOT like getting phone calls while he is crawling through tiny crawl spaces, hanging from ladders, and getting electrocuted.

Yes.

My husband gets electrocuted regularly.

I wonder if he is any good at this electrical business?

The Lumberjack: What's up?

I can barely hear him over the hammers, drills, and blaring music.

Me:  I have a very important question for you.

The Lumberjack:  What?

Great.  He is already annoyed.

Me:  When you woke up this morning, what did you do with your belly button lint?

The Lumberjack: What?!

Me:  Your belly button lint!  What did you do with it?

The Lumberjack:  I don't know!  I think I threw it in the toilet. 

Oh, my.

Me:  Can you please do me a favor and flush next time?

The Lumberjack:  Sure.  I really gotta go, Taylor.

*****

I am happy to report that

A) I did not have a miscarriage

B) I do not pee out lint

C) The Lumberjack still remained married to me after that ridiculous phone call

D) The Lumberjack still, to this day, has belly button lint.

E)  I still don't have belly button lint.

The End.