Goober Taylor Update

Warning:  This post is slightly long.

100(meaningless) points to anyone who actually reads it.

Thank you.

In the past, I have poked fun at both my parents and my husband's parents and their gooberness when it comes to things in life such as:

cell phones

internet

digital cameras

Facebook

IPods

Kindles

Microwaves (ok, kidding)

But, on Monday, I had a revelation:

I am a goober, too.

On Monday morning, our internet was not working.

Drat.

So, I called our internet service provider people who informed me there was an outage in my area.

As the day went on and I chatted with other humans who live in my area, I realized that I was the only one in any area without internet.

And so , again, I called our internet service provider people who informed me that there was an outage in my area, but the outage was no more.

I kindly informed them that, while I found this news comforting, I still had no internet service.

And now, for your reading pleasure, and my mother's vindication, I present to you:

My Conversation with an Unidentified Customer Service Technician:

Him:  What seems to be the problem?

Me:  My internet does not work.

Him: Okay.  Let me perform a few tests.

tap tap tap tappety-tap (that's him typing-aren't I clever?)

Him:  Okay, ma'am (so sad.  I am no longer a Miss) It should be working.

Me:  Okay.  But it isn't.

Then the kind service technician goes through a whole explanation of why it is not working.  Something with servers being down and modems sending codes to routers and then when servers are functioning again, new codes being sent out and the routers being confused and yada, yada yada (name that show) I need to unplug and reboot.

Would you like to see where my modem and router are?

I am ashamed.

What on earth are all these wires for?

Perhaps I should ask my husband, who is in fact, an electrician.

But he is not here at the moment.

He is being an electrician.

Maybe he should come be an electrician in my neck of the woods.

Ok, so getting to the router and modem is challenging.

Plus, I don't know which one is the modem and which one is the router.

Him:  Can you read to me any words that you see on either of the boxes?

Me: umm . . .

At this point, I am interrupted my Handsome Dude informing me has has to "poopy," which means he has to peepee.

Yes, I am proud of his progress.

No, his timing is not convenient.

Him:  Do you see something that says Motorolla?

Me:  Yes!

Him:  That is your modem.

Me:  Good to know.

Him.  Unplug both of them.  Shut down your computer.  Then plug-in the modem.  Wait a bit.  Then plug-in the router.

Oh, I wish he could see how complicated this was really going to be:

Look!

There's Little Dude's shoe!

So, as I am running around trying to do all these trivial tasks, I hear the guy chuckling.

Is he laughing at me?

It's probable.

Me:  Ok, done.

Him:  Restart your computer.

Me:  Ok.

Loading Loading Loading

Him:  Is it ready?

Me:  Nope.  Still loading.

Loading Loading Loading

Handsome Dude pee peed in the potty and on the floor and is now changing his clothes.

Handsome Dude feels the need to change his clothes after every bathroom break.

Handsome Dude can be a handful.

Me:  Okay.  It is ready.

Now, all I hear is him chuckling again.

Me:  Okay.  It is ready.

Him:  Okay.  Start the internet.

Me:  Not working.

Him:  I am going to transfer you.

Super.

Holding.  Holding. Holding.

Pop Quiz:  What happens when the mom is on the phone for over one hour and four children are left on their own to entertain themselves?

And now, my dear readers, I present to you:

My Conversation with the Second Customer Service Technician:

Her:  What seems to be the problem?

Me:  My internet is not working.

Her:  Ok.  I would be happy to help.  First can you tell me what kind of operating system you have?

Me:  Operating who?

Her:  Like do you have Windows XP, Windows Vista, or a Mac?

Me:  I know it's not a Mac.

Her:  Which one is it?

Me:  Um . . . how do I find it?

Her: Did you say Vista?

Me:  Yes.

She then proceeds to tell me a bunch of different things to do, of which I cannot remember because I did not understand what she was talking about the first time she said it.

Her:  What do you see?

I tell her what I see.  I cannot remember what it was because these computer words are tricky.

Her: (laughing) Honey!  You don't have Vista!  You have XP.

Me:  Oh, sorry.

Fact:  I have no idea if I have XP or Vista.  I couldn't exactly remember this particular detail for this story.  I may have it reversed and all mixed up.  Please forgive me.

She leads me through a whole bunch of tests and she comes to the conclusion that there is something wrong with our router.

I get the phone number of the next helpful customer service technician and I hang up.

Do I call?

No.

I have had enough.

Fast forward to 6pm of that very same exact day.

And now, dear readers, I present to you:

The Lumberjack's Conversation with the Third Customer Service Technician who does not work at our Internet Service Provider's Office, but works for the company who manufactured our Router:

LJ (short for Lumberjack . . . keep up, people!):  My router is bad.

Him:  Okay, let me perform a few tests.

tap tap tap tappety-tap

Him:  Okay, I need to transfer you.

Holding Holding Holding

Him:  Okay.  You need to hit reset button.

LJ:  Where is that?

Him:  On the back of the router.

LJ:  I don't see it.

This goes on for a good 5 minutes.

LJ:  I am going to give the phone to my wife.  Maybe she can find the button.

Silly, Lumberjack. He forgot I am an idiot.

Me:  Hello?

Him:  Please hit reset button.

Me:  I don't see one.

Him:  It is on the back of the router.

Me:  Hmmm . . . don't see one.

Him:  Please hit reset button asdfkj aldskfja.

At this point, he was saying two words after button.  I cannot understand what he is saying.  I am trying to understand, but I cannot.

Remember when I asked you why you think I might use closed captioning?

It is because I am almost deaf in one ear.

And the Lumberjack got sick of having repeat every line in movies to me.

So, I am having trouble hearing customer service dude accurately.

Me:  What did you say?

Him:  Please hit reset button asdfkj aldskfja.

Me:  What words are you saying after button?

Him: Please hit reset button asdfkj aldskfja.

Me:  I just can't understand those words.

And then he hung up on me.

The nerve.

The Lumberjack calls back.

He is put on hold for 1 hour.

He informs technician of his problem.

He is put on hold again because he needs to speak to a senior manager.

Senior manager informs him he needs a new router.

For some reason, they are going to send us a new one.

As The Lumberjack is writing down the vital information he needs to ship our old one, the cell phone battery dies.

The Lumberjack calls back.

He is put on hold.

While we are waiting, we try and watch some movie called "Blazing Saddles."

It was, in fact, retarded, and we turned it off promptly.

Would you like to know how long he had to hold this time?

1 hour and 23 minutes.

He was not pleased.

Fact:  The Lumberjack spent 3 hours on the phone that night.

Fact:  Lumberjacks dislike talking on the phone.

Fact:  We still don' have a working router.

Fact:  I still don't know what operating system we use.

Fact:  I don't think customer service people should laugh at the customers

Fact:  The Lumberjack is quite handsome.

Fact:  Blazing Saddles is dumb.

Fact:  "The Music Man"  is a delightful movie.

Have you seen it?

Name the actress.

Happy Wednesday!