First Date

The Lumberjack and I met in high school.  He was one year ahead of me.  We went to school together for almost 2 years without even talking to each other.

About two weeks after he graduated, the Lumberjack called me and asked me out on a date.

Now at this point in time, I would have never called him the Lumberjack.

Instead, I would have referred to him as Mr. Sensitive-Guy-who-really-liked-me-and-shopping-at-the-Gap.

My, how times have changed.

He still likes me, I guess, but we can just throw the sensitive guy, the shopping guy, and most certainly, the Gap guy parts out the window.

We are certain to never see that man again.

But for this story, we will call him Mr. Gap.

Now, I must give you a little history:

On the day of Mr. Gap's graduation, I was visiting my friend who lives up in the mountains.  As I was leaving, my car's brakes stopped working.

This was unfortunate because

A)  Brakes are usually considered an asset

B)  She lives on a MOUNTAIN

C) I was going downhill

D)  Her driveway gets somewhat curvy.

I was 17 and sure I was about to die.

Nothing was working.

I put the car in park.

Nothing.

I slammed on the brakes 2.4 million times.

Nothing.

I screamed.

Nothing.

I honked.

Nothing.

I considered pulling the emergency brake.  But I had an unhealthy fear of emergency brakes.  You see, when I was a child, I asked my dad what an emergency brake was for. 

"Well, it is the most powerful and strongest brake ever.  We hardly EVER use it."

So, as I am charging down the mountain driveway at 35 mph, I consider pulling the emergency brake.

But my dad's words came back to haunt me.

I did not pull that emergency brake.

For if I did, I was certain to be ejected from the car, merely from the sheer force and strength of that powerful emergency brake.

Instead, I found it more suitable to flip my car.

So, there I was:  hanging from my seatbelt.

Glass was shattered all underneath me.

I began screaming and honking my horn.

My friend's neighbor came to my rescue.

He walked up to my door.

"Hello!" I said. "Can you help me?  I seem to have flipped my car."

And he laughed at me.

And then he got me out.

But the car was totalled.

But I still made it to Mr. Gap's graduation, so I could give me a card and hope he would think I looked cute.

I was that dedicated.

And thus concludes my little story of what happened on Mr. Gap's graduation day.

Fast forward two weeks:  Mr. Gap asks me out.

He asks me to go to lunch on a Saturday at noon.

A few minutes before he came, my dad told me he was taking me car shopping.

I responded very snootily, and informed him that I would be busy all afternoon, for I had a date.

In retrospect, this was dumb because

A)  MY DAD WANTED TO BUY ME A NEW CAR

B)  I am sure Mr. Gap could have taken me to dinner instead

C) MY DAD WANTED TO BUY ME A NEW CAR

So, Mr. Gap picks me up.

As we drive away, he says:

"I was hoping to go to this sandwich shop downtown.  My parents gave me a coupon!"

This was my first glimpse into the frugal lives of my crazykin in-laws.

We arrive at the restaurant.

I am extremely nervous.

You see, once my friend had found out that I had a lunch date, she made me go through rigorous date-eating etiquette lessons.

Apparently, I always grossed all my friends out because whenever I would eat, I would talk too much.

Also, thinks like pizza sauce and cream cheese would squirt through my teeth.

Yes, ladies and gents.

That's right.

I was quite the find for Mr. Gap.

As we were eating, I dared him to eat a pepperoncine.

I should have known this would not go well, since he had already removed every vegetable and suspicious-looking sauce from his sandwich.

Picky pants.

He tried the hot pepper.

Then he began to spit out the pepper all over our table.

And guzzle water.

And spit.

And cough.

And spit.

And I never again worried about my eating etiquette.

For he, my dear friends, was a super gross eater.

So, we finished up and got in the car.

I thought it was going well.

We were chatting happily.

And then he pulled up to my house.

"Well, bye!"

I was disappointed.

He did not like me.

Maybe mustard squirted through my teeth.

I got into the house at 12:56.

My sister: "Why are you here?  Didn't you have a date?"

Me:  "Yes.  All done now!"

My sister: "Ha!  Obviously that did not go well!"

Me:  "Okay, Dad!  I am ready to go car shopping now!"

My dad (in a very snooty voice): "Sorry.  I made plans."

Well, I don't want to leave you all hanging, but Mr. Gap called me up and asked me out again.

I asked him later why he took me home so early.

His response?

"I only asked you out for lunch!  I don't know what else I am supposed to do with you!?"

We might need to change his name to Mr. Romantic.